ending better than it started

Monday:
Found out someone used my credit card number and forged my signature on a Visa cheque for almost two thousand dollars. The cheque was returned as NSF. Thank goodness we've been spending beyond our means or the fraud might have been successful. As it is, we've had to cancel our credit card and wait for a new one to be sent to us.

Tuesday:
Chemo.

Wednesday:
Appointment with my radiation oncologist.

I was first examined by a medical student, who asked, sounding alarmed, "How long have you had this lump?" I panicked for a moment, then realized she was referring to my Portacath (shouldn't she have known what it was?).

As for the doctor, should a man who is uncomfortable with the words 'bra' and 'prosthesis' really be working as a radiation oncologist with breast cancer patients? He seemed disbelieving when I told him that the treated area on my chest and back is still extremely tender and had no suggestions as to what I could do to ease this discomfort. When I told him that it hurts too much to wear a prosthesis, he said, "Well, you have to wear something in public."

This is the same doctor that objected to the fact that I do not have the same last name as my spouse.

Thank goodness this same spouse was once again in attendance. It was one of those appointments when it was really good to have someone there who knows me well, if only to say afterwards, "You are not crazy."

Thursday:
Booked my plane ticket to Chicago to attend BlogHer '07, thanks to air miles donated by my wonderful brother-in-law.

Nothing contributes to a sense of optimism like making plans a few months in advance. And just thinking about spending a week end with other women bloggers makes my heart beat a little faster.

Friday:
Spring has sprung. I feel quite a bit better. And I finished this:



It's the little blanket that grew, my 'log cabin' from Mason-Dixon Knitting.

It is the most beautiful thing that I have ever made and it makes me happy just to look at it. It's been almost finished for weeks (since our return from the Florida trip where I worked on it in the car, both ways). And it smells good too, since I washed the potato chip smell out of it this afternoon (did I mention that I worked on it on a long car trip?).

Things are definitely looking up.

this made me laugh

Too tired to write tonight.

I thought this was very funny, though.

Cat In Dog Bed | Send To Friends | Funny Flash Cartoons at JibJab

And this, too (my dog is this smart):



The Hole - video powered by Metacafe

so damned tired

I am bordering on neutropenic again, which could explain why I have been feeling so rundown (and why the cold hit me so hard). My white blood count was very low on Tuesday, not low enough to cancel chemo but getting there.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for April 30 (and will get results at an appointment on May 4).

Meanwhile, I know the following:

• My liver is swollen, but not terribly so (and nowhere near where it was in November).
• My liver functions in two of the categories they test are normal. A third area was high but it is also the one the doctors worry about the least, as it can be indicative of other things going on with the body.
• It is not a good sign that I have been experiencing discomfort but my most constant stitch is nowhere near my liver (I really need to learn more about my own anatomy).
• The swelling and the fatigue could also be the result of my cold and my battered immune system.

I am feeling less stressed than I was on the week end (which isn't saying much, given that I was a wreck on the week end) and reassured enough that my worries are no longer top of mind.

So keep your fingers crossed for me.

And stay away from me if you are sick.

And for goodness sakes, wash your hands after you go to the bathroom (this is for the guy my spouse almost confronted at the cancer centre today, and who I'm sure isn't reading this).

Tomorrow, I will tell you about today's appointment with my radiation oncologist, another laugh or cry experience (I chose to laugh). My spouse has decided that I need to get one of these t-shirts and wear them to all future appointments.

I think he's right.

too stoned to blog

Still stoned from the Demerol. I'll write more tomorrow but wanted to let you all know that I had a fairly reassuring chat with the doctor on call today, during chemo.

I also have an ultrasound scheduled for April 30.

Update: This should really be a picture of a poppy but since I only have pictures of sunflowers (and tulips) this will have to do.

life and death

I have a stitch in my right side tonight. It's probably nothing but since my liver functions are also a little elevated, my doctor is ordering another ultrasound.

Suddenly, 'stable' is looking pretty good.

I try not to dwell on my fears. There are, however, times when the dark thoughts that nibble at the edge of my consciousness threaten to swallow me whole.

I want to live longer than the friend of a friend (and mother of young children) who died from liver mets within two years of her diagnosis.

I want to outlive the prognosis of "years not decades" that was gently delivered by my oncologist.

I want to be a living, breathing medical miracle.

I want to live.

know any good jokes?

I met with a naturopathic doctor today. I liked her quite a bit, she was very compassionate, has treated patients with cancer before and believes strongly in the mind-body connection.

To that end, she recommended laughter. A good belly laugh every day is apparently worth a mountain of medicines.

So, does anyone have any funny stories to share? Books or movies that will make my face hurt from laughing so hard?

I'll get the ball rolling and recommend Bon Cop, Bad Cop. The humour may be a bit culturally specific but it did make me laugh. Hard.

What makes you laugh?

foul

I am in the worst mood.

My sinuses are killing me and my head is full of goo.

I had to cancel dinner with friends this evening.

D. has had a series of tantrums tonight.

I was really looking forward to that dinner (and know that it would have been good to fight my increasingly hermit-like tendencies).

Damn.

more than the sum of my parts

A liver riddled with tumours.

A scar where my right breast used to be.

Lymphedema in my back and arm.

Frozen shoulder from radiation.

Radiation burns on my chest and back.

Assorted minor but annoying side effects from chemotherapy.

Fifteen pounds gained in 2007.

Panic every time I feel a stitch in my right side.

I think it is time I talk to someone who specializes in treating the whole person.

Anyone have any advice on finding a naturopathic doctor? What about some questions to ask when I schedule a consultation?

sick in the head

I am all stuffed up.

I have what Sassymonkey had.

OK, so I probably didn't catch it through the internet but I do find it remarkably suspicious that I am sick and she is feeling better.

Or maybe I just caught the cold from my son, who routinely coughs in my face (or coughs in his hand and then puts it on my face).

Wouldn't it be interesting though, if we could catch stuff from the folks we visit regularly over the internet?

Clearly the cold dope has made me delirious.

a time for excess

Easter is the only day that I allow my children to have chocolate before/in lieu of breakfast.

We've all been eating like little piggies this week end (and eating piggies, as last night's dinner was comprised of both a Passover brisket and an Easter ham). I think when next week rolls around it will be time for a little detox.

But I'll think about all that tomorrow, for in the words of an immortal heroine, "Tomorrow is another day."

Spoken like a true lover of meat fried in oil and chocolate rabbits.

Oh, and for the record, it is not actually true that S., pictured above, has not had a bath in seven months. He just likes to embarrass his mother by telling people that.

new kind of cycle

So maybe I don't get PMS anymore but my moods are as tied to a cycle as they've ever been. My heart is lighter today and the sadness and fear I've been feeling seem to have evaporated.

I do not have chemo next week.

And that makes everything better.

the elephant at the table

Or the ostrich with its head in the sand?

I note that nowhere in this article do they mention environmental factors, such as pollutants and other toxins we absorb on a day to day basis.

From ctv.ca:

Cancer cases to double by 2030, agency says

Associated Press

Updated: Wed. Apr. 4 2007 8:06 AM ET

UNITED NATIONS — The number of diagnosed cancer cases will more than double between 2000 and 2030, primarily in poorer countries, the director of the International Agency for Research on Cancer said Tuesday.

Dr. Peter Boyle said the reasons for the increase include population growth, longer life expectancy, more people smoking in the developing world and a lack of health care in poor countries.

In 2000, the agency estimated 11 million new cases of diagnosed cancer worldwide, seven million deaths from cancer and 25 million people living with cancer.

"We currently estimate that between the year 2000 and 2030, there'll be a more than doubling of the numbers of cases of cancer diagnosed each year," Boyle said. "And the great majority of this increase is going to be in the low- and medium-resource countries."

The agency, part of the World Health Organization, expects that by the year 2030, there will be 27 million cases of cancer, 17 million deaths from cancer and 75 million people living with cancer.

"We've been concentrating on cancer in high-resource countries and until essentially AIDS came along, we haven't looked too closely at what's going on in low-resource countries," Boyle told a news conference.

But he said new research shows that as time has progressed, there has been an increasing shift of cancer to poor countries.

"What's going to happen between now and 2030 is that the population is going to increase from about 6.5 billion to 8 billion in 2030," Boyle said. "So even if the risks remain constant at each five-year age group, because we've got more people around, we're going to have more cases of cancer."

An increase in life expectancy in the majority of countries, with the exception of some AIDS-ravaged countries in Africa, also is leading to a rise in cancer cases, he said.

Both China and India have continual growth in the number of people reaching older ages, Boyle said. "So if you've got more old people in the population with the same risks as the younger people, you're going to have more cases of cancer in the older population," he said.

Boyle said one of the unfortunate successes for developed countries in the last 40 years has been their export of cancer risk factors, such as cigarette smoking and alcohol consumption, to poor countries.

"These three elements are going to come together and that is going to drive up the global cancer button over the next 30 years," Boyle said.

better than a treadmill

model mom

annecdote one:

The doorbell rang at about noon today. My young son and I were still in our pajamas. I answered to find a smiling woman with a Bible under her arm and a religious leaflet in her hand. Before she could launch into her spiel, I firmly but politely said, "We're not interested," and closed the door.

I turned around to find my not-quite-four year old standing with his pants around his ankles and a big smile on his face. "I'm showing my penis," he said proudly.

We immediately had a conversation about private body parts.

I do wonder what exactly the lady at the door had time to see and what horrified thoughts crossed her mind.

I was also wearing my Flying Spaghetti Monster t-shirt.

anecdote two:

My older son had the day off from school yesterday. We went out for a short walk to a nearby store. Inside, one of the clerks was admiring our dog. "I think he would like me to pet him," she said.

"Go ahead, he smells better than he sometimes does," said my not-quite nine year old. "He hasn't had a bath in a year."

"My longest stretch was from September until last week," he boasted.

I was back in the same store today, this time with just the dog. The store was very crowded and a number of people were lined up behind me at the cash. "I remember you," said the clerk. "I thought it was funny when your son said he hadn't bathed in seven months."

It's those little moments that make a mother proud.

boy meets sponge

And jelly fish.


And birds.


And Jerry Springer's house, but we didn't take a picture of that.


The Mote Aquarium runs a tour (the 'Mote Boat') of Sarasota Bay (at least I think it was Sarasota Bay).

We had fun.

I miss vacation.

stoned

The Demerol prevents the reaction to the Herceptin.

The Gravol prevents the reaction to the Demerol.

Hours later, I am still very, very stoned.

The overall experience is not unpleasant.

There is a reason that I do not use the truckload of narcotics that has been prescribed to me, unless I am in serious pain.

Did I mention that the experience is not unpleasant?

raging

I am feeling seriously pissed off tonight.

I am angry that I have cancer, fed up with my lymphedema and furious at the lousy prognosis associated with liver metastases.

In the comments at one of my favourite blogs, d.y.i./ not d-i-e, Rebel1in 8 writes:

'part of empowering someone with cancer is allowing them the right to bitch without the fear that they are sending out a message of defeat and whining.'

Exactly.

I am still a 'glass is half full' sort of person but tonight, the water in the glass is boiling.

skin deep

My spouse loves this picture of me.

I do not.

Yesterday, when we were sitting in the hospital waiting room, he stroked my face and said, "wrinkles."

I cringed. But he meant it as a good thing.

He tells me that I am more beautiful as I get older and he loves every line on my face.

Since he has always found me the most attractive when I am dressed casually and looking relaxed (the man thinks overalls are hot), I believe him.

The 'eye of the beholder', indeed.

safe and sound

We are home, happy and tired.

Drove over 1,000km yesterday (with two kids in the backseat, don't forget). We made the decision (with full consensus) to skip dinner and keep driving after crossing the border (our easiest crossing ever, as the border guard proved susceptible to D.'s considerable charms).

We all slept in this morning and my spouse and I have spent the day in a stupor. I was too tired, in fact, to worry too much about my ultrasound results. This was a good thing, as my anxiety had been slowly building all week, and had been at times quite overwhelming.

In the end, my oncologist announced that my tumours appear to have stabilized. He claims to be very happy with this result (although I know that he had initially hoped that my intense reaction to Herceptin meant that there would be progress by now). I am a bit disappointed but mostly I am relieved. After all, I feel pretty good right now; the status quo doesn't feel like a bad thing.

I was so relieved in fact, that I didn't even complain when the nurse doing blood work had to try three times to get the needle into my port or when she left me holding the syringe full of blood to go get some gauze to mop up the blood oozing down my chest. Pain and discomfort, it appears, are relative things.

long day

Dateline: Fredericksburg, VA.

Long day in the car and out of it.

Highlight: Barbecue from a little hole in the wall, which we ate standing up at a rest stop.

The Carolinas are beautiful. I would like to get to know them better.

Tomorrow, hopefully, I will sleep in my own bed.

incoherent

Dateline: Savannah, Georgia.

They look so sweet, don't they? You would hardly think they had put us through hours of bickering, whining and yelling today, would you (see image reflected in the mirror to understand their tranquility)?

We had a wonderful time in Florida. I hope we can still remember it after the long drive home.

I would love to visit Savannah tomorrow. And check out the Carolinas. But we are pretty much in 'let's get home' mode.

It could be hours before the little monsters, I mean, my beautiful children fall asleep. I look forward to sleep, myself and, hopefully some respite from the nightmares I've been having (I think I am worrying about the ultrasound results that await me on Wednesday).

Lots more hours on the road tomorrow. And we hope to take in some barbecue.

Wish us luck (we ran into a family on the road with children who made mine look like angels. It gave me a little perspective on how things could be worse).

I'll have lots more to say when I get home and have some more time to myself.

euphoria

This is what we looked like minutes after arriving in Sarasota. We were all so happy to be in the sun and relieved to no longer be in the car. We were giddy.

S. threw himself into the ocean with his clothes on.


T. had a beer on the beach with his dad.


D. loves to play in the sand. And to destroy what he and others have built.


It was worth every hour in the car.

for tim

Marriage Chant

marriage is impossible marriage is dull
your dance card is empty your plate is too full
it's something no sensible person would do
i wish i was married i wish I was married
i wish i was married to you

marriage is unnatural marriage is hard
you rotate your tires you work in the yard
you fight about nothing every hour or two
i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

the children throw fits in airports & such
they projectile vomit on aunt ruthie at lunch
& your in-laws know just what you should do
but i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

i'd like to fix you my special broth when you're sick
i'd like to fight with you when you're bein' real thick
there is no end to what i would like to do
i wish i was married i wish i was married i wish
i was married to you

i like the roll in rock & roll & all i know is you're the sister of my soul
& we make a circle just we two
& i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was married to you

the sky unpredictable, mysterious the sea
do we wish most for what never can be it never can be
i guess that's true but i wish i was married i wish i was married
i wish i was uh huh huh to you

the grass is always greener is what they say to me
if I was your husband maybe I'd agree
i like brown grass & vows that stay true
& i wish i was married i wish i was married i wish
i was married to you to you to you mmhmm to you

-Greg Brown, from Covenant, Hacklebarney Music, 2000.

Thank you for sticking with me for sixteen years. I hope we have many more together.

Thank you for making me laugh and for laughing at my jokes. Thank you for putting up if with all the craziness, and for being my anchor through the worst of the storm.

I love you.

we are here

Dateline: Sarasota, Florida.

Or rather, Siesta Key.

It is beautiful and warm. The beaches have sand like flour and I feel very relaxed.

We made it here just in time, as I we were ready to drop off the kids by the side of the highway (in all fairness to them, they were really good until the last leg of the trip when the little one started provoking the oldest who rose to the bait EVERY time).

We had a lot of fun on the road but were very, very glad to reach our destination.

We hit the beach moments after our arrival. D. yelled, "I'm free!" He was giddy with joy as he ran towards the water. And so were we all.

More on the last leg of our trip and life in Florida to come.

family road trip, day 3

Dateline: Brunswick, Georgia.

Another long day on the road. Here are some highlights:

We stopped at a children's museum in Fayetteville, NC. It was a great place to stop. D. especially loved dressing up and playing at the various activity centres, playing at being a cameraman, firefighter, police officer and shop keeper. He cracked me up when he played judge at the courthouse, sentencing "Mama Kingston-Wayne" to jail for being a bank robber. He's only three, but there he was, happily pounding away with the gavel. The whole place was pretty cool.

We had southern fried chicken, some b-b-q (we learned today that barbecue is a noun, as in "would you like a pint of barbecue?") and hush puppies (deep fried and battered corn bread. Mmmmmm). For dinner, I ordered a salad with grilled chicken and low-fat dressing. It came with grated cheese and little bits of something deep fried on it. It was all delicious but I am amazed that everyone in the south isn't morbidly obese.

Somewhere just north of Savannah, I noticed our first palm trees. My excitement at this lasted much longer than the children's. Long after they had returned to their video I was still exclaiming "Look! Palm trees!"

We passed a run-down looking building on the I-95 called the Risque Cafe. There were several 18 wheelers parked outside. If we had been alone I would have made my spouse stop. What exactly goes on at an "adult cafe"?

I think that we snagged the last hotel room in all of Southern Georgia (by the time we checked into the Microtel we had revised our expectations from 'hotel with indoor pool' to 'hotel with beds'). I am seriously bummed out because the plug in the bathtub doesn't work. I was very much looking forward to some quiet time to myself.

This is the second time I write this. The battery on my computer ran out when I was halfway through the first draft. Betsy also has fingerprints all over her screen and chips in her keyboard. This is the price I pay for quiet in the back seat (video time is an end of day reward in order to squeeze out a couple of extra hours of travel time). Betsy has been loaded with lots of kids' movies but once we are home again, only my fingers will be allowed to stroke her keys.

This time tomorrow I will be in Sarasota, Florida.

We've had fun but I am ready to be off the road for a while.

I am also ready to share a bed with my spouse again instead of one of the kids.

family road trip, day 2

Dateline: Roanoke Rapids, NC.

Today, we drove. And drove some more.

Progress is slower travelling with two kids than when m spouse (then just my main squeeze) and I last went on a road trip in 1991.

We are all sick but, all things considered, in good spirits (although D. is having a tantrum as I type this).

Tomorrow, we may actually stop and do vacation type things.

family road trip, day 1

Dateline: Scranton, PA.

Writing from a Holiday Inn with free wifi...

We hit the road as planned today, in the early afternoon (family and friends who know us well are no doubt reeling with shock).

The car was stuffed to the rafters. Suitcases, bags of books, pillows and blankets, no comfort was spared. The highlight of the trip was a dramatic reading of Edgar Allan Poe's The Bells by my eight year old son. He really is amazing.

The first thing my younger son did when we checked into the hotel was strip and jump up and down on the bed in front of the mirror yelling, "I'm naked, ha ha ha!"

Stinky D. is now in the bath. S. has read a three hundred page novel and is complaining that there is nothing to do. My spouse is about to go for a swim (there is a pool right outside our door but my spouse is the only one interested).

I am going to take it easy (our first cultural experience of the trip was a 'spiedie' in Binghamton, NY, an experience I do not care to repeat), have a scotch and hope that my children will fall asleep soon.

Update: S. has decided that he wants to go for a swim after all (he is being lured by the hot tub). Time to take over bath supervision.

and we're off....

Well, almost.

We're not finished packing or anything. But the plan is to hit the road shortly after noon tomorrow (my father-in-law called to check in on our famous "precision timing" this evening. My spouse and I are not exactly known for our organized departures).

• I have the cold that hit my little son this past week end (the best immune system strengthening drugs in the world can't beat a three year old and all his creative ways of transmitting snot to his Mama). Given that my last couple of colds have landed me in the hospital, I am slightly worried, but so far my energy is good and I have no fever. Sometimes the sniffles really are just the sniffles.

• The dog has been packed off to Auntie D.'s for the duration. I miss him already but he'll have a good time.

• The woman who is house-sitting for us makes her living cleaning houses. This means that, when we return, our house will be cleaner than when we left it. We are also likely to find that everything has been rearranged, from large pieces of furniture to photos and knicknacks.

• I am bringing knitting. Lots of it. I am making a blanket, based on a pattern that emulates log cabin quilts (from Mason-Dixon Knitting). I have been working on this project for some time, loving the colours and the feel of the yarn in my hands. I found a kind of relaxation in the repetitiveness and felt like I could keep knitting it forever. Until last night. Now I loathe it. The colours are garish and the yarn is too heavy. I am finding nothing but boredom in the repetitiveness and I can't wait to be finished with the damn thing. The blanket is coming with me and by the time I cross the border back into Canada it will be finished and I will be working on something else.

• I'm bringing my laptop, loaded with hours of movies for the kids to watch in the car (although I still feel queasy at the thought of their little fingers all over it. A woman who names her computer does not relinquish it easily. However, I had to accept that it was the only one with sufficient memory). This means I can blog from the road, wifi or broadband permitting.

Time for bed. Going to try and sleep off this cold and get the packing done in the morning. We will be on the road by early afternoon, come hell or high water.

I really need this vacation.

snapshots

Things I have learned from my children:

Play hard and with focus.

Surround yourself with the things that make you happy.

Believe in yourself. And don't be afraid to show it.

Take time to stop and enjoy life's pleasures.

i am awesome

I walk through the snow pushing a stroller filled with pre-schooler, library books and a birthday cake.

I walk the dog on a day when wind brings tears to my eyes that freeze on my eyelashes.

I walk long and hard, my heart pumping.

My legs are strong and muscular.

My face glows with exertion.

I am fit and healthy.

When I walk, I am not a cancer patient.

words to live by

Sometimes, the fear and sadness really do come from out of nowhere. Yesterday, I was sitting and knitting, waiting for my boys to finish swimming lessons. As I looked up to see my youngest running towards me, the thought hit me, "I won't be around when he starts high school."

The thought quite literally knocked the wind out of me. I pushed it away and we went on with our evening. The sadness did linger, though.

Then today, as I unpacked my bag of goodies from Monday's belated birthday dinner, I pulled out, among many other lovely things, a mug with the following on it:

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away." (anonymous)

That pretty much sums up my approach to life these days. I have a friend who often refers to "living on borrowed time." We all live on borrowed time. What matters is making that time count.

I'm trying to do that.

The same wonderful women who gave me the mug gave me a card that says, "Between me and insanity stand my friends."

Amen to that.

I may outlive the doctor's predictions and I am doing what I can to make that happen. But I am also trying to enjoy the present and to savour those moments that take my breath away.

10 minutes

That's all the time it takes to go from feeling healthy and fit to woozy and ill.

But I don't have to do again it for three whole weeks.

Ultrasound early tomorrow morning, echocardiogram on Thursday. The next couple of days will be tough.

But I should feel like myself by the week end. And did I mention that I don't have to have chemo again for three whole weeks?

hodge podge of good things

S. had the day off from school today. We watched a movie (the Adventures of Baron Munchausen), went for a long walk in the sun (with a stop for bagel sandwiches) and then he beat me at Mind's I. It was a good day.

I just came back from dinner with friends. We were celebrating my birthday. Which was in August. We've had a bit of a hard time coordinating schedules. We had lovely vegan thai food and then went next door to Dairy Queen for Peanut Buster Parfaits. Perfect.

Best of all, I have secured myself a chemo vacation. We are heading south next week (!) and I have managed to delay the start of the next treatment cycle. This means that, after tomorrow, I don't have chemo again until March 27th. I am elated.

S. has asked me to knit him a Dr. Who scarf. D. has asked me to knit him "a green sweater." I am trying to convince him that some other colours would be nice, too. He remains unmoved.



Yesterday's skate on the Rideau Canal, "the world's largest skating rink," was a lot of fun. The boys really impressed me with their improved skills. Skating behind the stroller gives me a lot of stability and makes me look like a competent skater. It makes me laugh, though. Nothing says "Canadian mom" more than bundling up and pushing a giant stroller on a frozen canal.

I didn't post the shot of me skating away from the camera. Let's just say that some angles are less flattering than others. And maybe I need to ease up a little on the chocolate.

channelling peggy lee

Is that all there is, is that all there is
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

I am tolerating chemo relatively well. I am no longer experiencing the rollercoaster of Herceptin side effects. But the routine is grinding me down. Two weeks on, one week off. And there is no end in sight (at least not an end I want to spend much time thinking about).

When I am feeling well (and even much of the time when I am not) I am rarely bored. I am, however struggling to fight some serious malaise. Not that long ago, life felt full of possibility. There were paths to chose and decisions to be made. And if any particular path didn't please me, I could easily change direction and try a new one.

Now that I am not working outside the home (my oncologist says that no insurance company would ever expect me to work again), I have time for other creative pursuits. But I need to shake off the funk brought on by two weeks on, one week off.

I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Today, I am going to do that in a pair of skates. Despite living three minutes (on foot) from the canal, I haven't been skating in a couple of years.

"If that's all there is, my friends, then let's keep dancing."

ho hum

So the layout of this blog is really boring me.

I have access to technical assistance to change things up but am feeling distinctly uninspired. I played around with the Blogger template this afternoon but ended up making few changes, wanting to keep things clean and accessible.

Any thoughts?

A new banner? Illustrations?

New font?

Larger type?

Any suggestions would be welcome.

business ventures

As the dog and I walked him to school the other day, my eight year old son and I had the following conversation:

S.: "I have an idea for an internet venture for dogs. I'd call it ismell. The web site would describe a whole list of smells and you could chose the one you think your dog would like best and order a patch with that smell."

me: "That's a great idea! But the smells would have to be pretty disgusting."

S.: "The more disgusting, the more expensive."

me: "Old socks, rotting meat..."

S.: "Exactly. We could have a page listing all the newest smells and the home page would have a list of the top selling smells."

me: "That reminds me, Papa tells me that you were making a vending machine when you were supposed to be in bed last night."

S.: "Yeah. And it works, too. Except no one wants to buy my product."

me: "Why not?"

S.: "Because it costs a dollar and the product is a penny."

drugs

I've spent the last several hours sleeping off the Demerol (given intravenously to ward off the side effects I've experienced from Herceptin. It works but makes me very, very stoned). I woke up feeling a little green around the gills, so this will likely be a short post.

Spending time over at Flippy's has got me thinking about how much harder my life would be if Canada did not have socialized medicine and I did not have good private health insurance. The tally, thus far for drugs to bolster my white blood cells (and thus keep me out of hospital) amounts so far to $26,000 (Can). I can't even begin to add the cost of the various and numerous other drugs I've taken, almost of all of which seem exorbitantly expensive (yesterday I picked up a gel to numb my the skin over my portacath, which has become very tender. A very small tube cost fifty bucks. I was told that this was never covered by private insurance. Mine did).

I can't imagine how I would have paid for chemotherapy, radiation, surgery or any other test or treatment (and I have lost count how many) I have needed if public health insurance didn't cover it. The thought is quite terrifying.

I am very lucky to be Canadian, middle class and a union member.

the best of intentions

The plan: Risotto, grilled eggplant, salad. All on the table, with the kitchen cleaned up before my spouse got home from work.

The reality: Tastes like risotto (sort of) but has the consistency and colour of wallpaper paste. The eggplant, overly-salted, is inedible. I pour myself a big glass of wine and head upstairs to check my email while my spouse makes the salad. Clean up after dinner. Leave filthy pots for tomorrow.

Oh well. 'Tis better to have cooked and failed than never to have cooked at all. Right?

Tomorrow is a chemo day. I need to promise myself to take another stab at this cooking thing after I've recovered.

I have never done one of these before....it's a list I borrowed from Sassymonkey. I was bleary-eyed with exhaustion when I started, yet I couldn't resist finishing.

What do the books I've read say about me? What would your list look like?

Look at the list of books below. Bold the ones you’ve read, italicize the ones you want to read, cross out the ones you won’t touch with a 10 foot pole (I put xx's before and after, since I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to strikeout), put a cross (+) in front of the ones on your book shelf, and asterisk (*) the ones you’ve never heard of.

1. +The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2.+Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. *Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. +A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. + Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. xxAngels and Demons (Dan Brown)xx
13. + Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. +A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. + Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. +Fall on Your Knees(Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. * The Stand (Stephen King)
19. + Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. + The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. +Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. + The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. +The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck) (I ought to read it, I've read most of his)
30. * Tuesdays with Morrie(Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. xxAtlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)xx (I loathe Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. +The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. *The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. * I Know This Much is True(Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. *The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. *The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. xxConfessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)xx
44. *The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. Bible
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. +Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck) (I should own it; it's one of my all-time faves)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. +The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) (this is another one I should own)
53. *Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. +Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. +The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. + Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. xxThe Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough) xx
59. +The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand) (did I mention that I loathe Ayn Rand?)
63. War and Peace (Tolsoy)
64. xxInterview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)xx
65. *Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. +One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. +Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo)
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. *A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. +The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. +Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. +Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck) (I was really into Steinbeck in my teens)
83. xxRebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)xx
84. xxWizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)xx
85. +Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. +The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. *Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. xxKane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)xx
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth(Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. *White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. xxA Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)xx
99. xxThe Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)xx
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

family

in my bones or 'there is no stage V'

The thing about living with Stage IV breast cancer is that every change in how my body functions can feel suspicious. After all, feeling a stitch in my side led to a diagnosis of metastasis. So when, I experienced bloating and (relatively mild) abdominal pain this week I began to feel a bit concerned.

Actually that is a gross understatement. In fact, before yesterday's appointment with my oncologist, I was completely beside myself with pure terror.

You see, I've been feeling good. Really good. And what happened the last couple of times I felt this good? I found a lump in my breast. I found out that the cancer had spread to my liver. I became certain that I was going to be told that my prognosis had just dramatically worse.

But my oncologist was, in his way, very reassuring. He told me that he was pretty certain that what I have been experiencing is 'nothing' (and he confirmed this when he examined me). He doesn't think that my liver is any more swollen than it was a couple of weeks ago. He did, however order another ultrasound, just in case.

As for my fear of spreading, well, he said that I shouldn't worry because it is a certainty that the cancer has spread to other parts of my body. As he put it, cancer cells are not selective about where they go, so I shouldn't worry about it spreading to my other organs and my bones because, well, it's already there.

He said, I should think of my cancer as a chronic illness that we will work at managing with various therapies and that when one stops working, we will try something else. He also said he was much less worried about me than he was in November, "it's a cause for concern when a patient turns yellow."

As I write this, I am pink from the cold and feeling more relaxed than I have in days. Once again, I am reminded of how much fighting this illness is about staying strong emotionally, as well as physically.

Does any of this make sense?

on being afraid

Sometimes,
it clutches at my heart
icy fingers squeezing
so hard I cannot breathe.

Sometimes,
it whispers in my ear
quiet murmurs disquiet
as I go about life's tasks.

Sometimes,
I am ambushed
sucker-punched
when I have let down my guard.

Like all intimate relationships
ours ebbs and flows in its intensity
but we never part for long.

I live with fear
but not in fear.

And I will never let fear rule my life.

breast cancer doesn't discriminate...

Personally, I think the Breast Cancer Society (who are they anyway?) made a big mistake. What do you think?

Exotic dancers' 'stigma' too much for charity

Last Updated: Thursday, February 8, 2007 | 11:22 AM PT

CBC News

The Breast Cancer Society of Canada has rejected the offer of thousands of dollars from a fundraising group of exotic dancers in Vancouver.

Exotic Dancers for Cancer holds an annual charity event in memory of a former dancer who lost her life to the disease.

Last year, the event raised $6,000.

However, former dancer Trina Ricketts said the society sent her an e-mail declining the money this year, because its major donors did not support a connection to exotic dancers.

She says the society has taken the group's contributions in the past.

"I really feel that it's a strong indication of the degree of the stigma that exotic dancers experience when an organization doesn't even want to be associated with them for fear of experiencing the same stigma."

Ricketts said her group is still looking for a cancer charity that will accept a donation.

The annual event will be held next month at a downtown hotel.

i love the internet

To all who take the time to let me know that they read and enjoy my blog (whether in the comments, via email or when we talk):

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

That is all.

love,

L.

what price peace?

Today was a chemo day (just chemo, no Herceptin), so I have, of course, spent the evening in bed feeling yucky.

From the upstairs bedroom, I overheard the following, which took place on the ground floor of our house:

D., my three-year old son: "I want to watch Scooby Doo Meets Batman now." (incidentally, this is probably one of the worst videos of all time)

Spouse: "It's dinner time. You can watch some of the video after you've eaten. Come to the table now."

D.: "I want to watch Scooby Doo NOW!!!"

Spouse: "D., you have two choices, you can watch the video after you've eaten your dinner or you can go to your room."

[insert increasingly hysterical repetitions of "I want to watch the video now," until they have crescendoed into a full-fledged tantrum.]

S., my eight year old: "D., if you stop crying, I'll give you a penny."

D.: "OK."

D. came to the table and ate his dinner happily. When he was done, S. gave him a penny.

My spouse and I are fully cognizant of the myriad ways in which this was problematic. But we did think the whole thing was pretty funny. And S. did get his brother to eat.

why i am about to spend an hour outside, even though it is -39C with the windchill

Everything Reminds Me Of My Dog

everything reminds me of my dog
the guy in the store reminds me of my dog
telephones remind me of my dog...yoohoo
taxicabs remind me too

if you remind me of my dog
we'll probably git along little doggie
git along git along little doggie git a...

smiling at strangers reminds me of my dog
(better let them know you're friendly)
the way people dress reminds me too
pissing on their favourite tree
sad things remind me of my dog
cockroaches and other insects
remind me too, don't eat them
the blank expression of the little boy
with thick glasses who picks
himself up from the sidewalk
and stands there blinking in the sun
ho oh!

if you remind me of my dog
we'll probably git along little doggie
git along git along little doggie git a...

like the man on the subway
sitting across from me
and every time I looked at him he smiled
and by the time
I got to the end of the subway line
I 'd given him at least ...oh...25 cookies

guys in bars remind me of my dog
the way it takes you so long
to choose the perfect table

if you remind me of my dog
we'll probably git along little doggie
git along git along little doggie git a...

me and my ferocious dog
we're walking down the street
and everyone we meet says
"ach yer a goot doogie !...
"ach yer a goot doogie!..."
"ach yer a goot doogie!..."

except when we go for a walk
to get the Sunday paper
I stand there and read the headlines
he reads the wind
sometimes he hits a funny smell and laughs
I hate it when he does that- I feel so dumb
what? what? I say

everything reminds me of my dog
beautiful things
sunsets remind me of my dog
Gina go to your window
Einstein reminds me of me dog
I want to pat his fluffy head
this whole world reminds me of my dog
my dog reminds me of this whole world
do I remind you of a dog? (thump thump)
I do? (faster thump thump)
skyscrapers remind me of my dog
sitting in the tall grass waiting for a rabbit
guys in red cameros too
it's getting to be a habit
artists remind me of my dog
staking out their originality on the nearest tree
old folks remind me of my dog
my dog reminds old people of their dogs
(Barfy, Ruffo, Beanhead)
Gina says I remind her of the dog
the that way I just did that
golfers teeing off remind me of my dog
the way he sits by me and shifts on his front paws

what is it you want? look at it...
do you want to go for a walk? do you want a cookie?
do you want me to dial the number for you?

(Jane Siberry, from Bound by the Beauty, 1989, Sheeba/Warner Records)

groundhog day, revisited

It was a year ago today that I had my mastectomy.

The memories are still very fresh.

I remember my anxiety turning to raw terror as I lay in the operating room (I could see the surgical tools and hear them clink as they were readied for surgery).

I remember the anesthesiologist's soothing voice. I remember that he asked me about my children in order to get me to relax (this worked much better than when he asked me about work). I don't remember falling asleep.

I remember the euphoria of waking, knowing that it was over. And I remember the whole host of emotions as I rode the rollercoaster to recovery. I still ride that rollercoaster, only now the hills are a little less steep.

I felt sad today, grieving, not just for my lost breast, but for all the ways in which cancer has ravaged my body. Menopause at 38, thinning hair and eyebrows, and, yes, the ridge of scar that runs from the center of my chest to my shoulder (not to mention the loss of mobility brought on by radiation). My face and body have been irrevocably changed by cancer.

So I gave myself permission to be a little bit sad today (and attempted to silence my inner recovering Catholic, which was telling me that I was being self-indulgent and that there are many people in the world who are worse off than I am, which is true but not particularly helpful).

Then a wonderful email exchange prompted me to check out DIY not die and behind the pink and yellow. a living journal. This in turn reminded me that Amanda had blogged about Rebel1in8.

I am honestly filled with excitement, joy and hope by this community of strong, smart women whose lives have been touched by cancer. They are engaged in creative ways to reclaim their bodies, take control of their lives and speak out against the hypocrisy of the cancer industry. Awesome.

the bell

Some time between my last go-round with chemo (the one that ended in the summer, prior to radiation and the recurrence) and my latest diagnosis, a bell was installed in the chemo room.

It's pretty nifty - when someone completes treatment, she or he rings the bell on their way out and everyone claps. It's a wonderful idea. I remember feeling after my last treatment in June that I would have liked there to be some way to mark the end and my survival.

Hearing the bell ring during my treatment on Tuesday made me happy but also a bit sad. There is unlikely to be a time when I will get to ring that bell, no triumphant moment when the cancer is behind me. My treatments will go on indefinitely and, even when I take breaks, there will likely always be more chemo on the horizon.

I've more or less come to terms with this, and the chemo regimen I'm on is so much gentler than my first experience, especially now that the Herceptin side effects are under control.

I really did get through the first go-round by counting down the cycles (and marking each with a present to myself!). And I did feel triumphant when I finished, even without a bell to ring.

And I still do. That first round of chemo was really hard. Having cancer is hard. But I'm doing OK. Much of the time I feel quite content, even happy. All in all, I think that I'm handling things really well.

One last thing: After reading yesterday's post, my spouse accused me of using my blog to solicit chocolate (actually, he said I was 'shameless'). I was doing no such thing. I swear.

However if folks are looking for fair trade chocolate (ie not blood soaked), you should check out Cocoa Camino. In Ottawa, you find it at health food stores, some grocery stores and all Bridgehead locations, but the Cocoa Camino web site can tell you where to buy their cocoa and chocolate closer to where you live.