Wednesday, November 07, 2007

not waiting for the other shoe

The night after my CT, I dreamed that my dog had been in a terrible accident. In the dream, I rushed to the hospital and waited, feeling anxious, terrified and grief-stricken, while he was in surgery. In the end, my dear dog survived the accident and was expected to recover. He was, however, really traumatized.

It wasn't until I was re-counting this dream at the breakfast table that I realized that it hadn't been about the dog at all.

Back in July, when I got the first good CT result, I was overjoyed at first but then angst-ridden. And the reality is that while I have now twice received the best news possible, my day-to-day life will not change very much.

I will continue with chemo - two weeks on, two weeks off.

I am still a cancer patient.

But as I continue to defy the odds (the stats on survival rates for women with metastatic breast cancer are abysmal and the stats when the metastasis is in the liver, even worse), I need to give myself permission to let down my guard a little. To be hopeful.

It's starting to feel OK to make plans for a few months in the future. And in a few months, perhaps I will feel I can plan even further ahead than that.

My friend T. said to me as we left my appointment on Tuesday, "You are going to get to see your kids grow up." I am not sure I'm ready to let myself believe that but I replay her words to myself and I feel warmed by them.

I'm starting with teaching myself not to panic whenever I feel the familiar stitch in my side. I know now that the pain is due to scarring but I am still working on quieting the panic it instills.

So, not much has changed but everything has changed.

I can't have my old life back but I have a great deal of hope.

I think I can live with that.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

You are going to see your kids grow up! I love seeing those words. They are the words I dream of. I want to see my kids Bat Mitzvahs-I know I am going to be a sobbing idiot-but it will be one of my dreams that comes true.

I pray you see your kids graduate from college and make you a grandmother. (That's my other wish-to bounce my grandbabies on my knees.)

Love and hugs-so happy you are doing well,


Babz Rawls Ivy said...

None of us knows if we are going to live to see our kids grow up. Sure you believe you have more insight into the possibility of calculating your death and what will kill you...but do you really?. What I know for sure..(read Oprah) is that there are no guarantees on anything, not life, not marriage, not losing weight. There is only this moment and your choice to live it in joy. Dream the biggest dream and plan the grandest thing. I am for doing that for you and me. I am looking forward to meeting you at the blogher conference in SF--I am planning on sitting at the bar and talking with you into the wee hours of the night. Now what may stop me from planning...hhhmm, I could get hit by a bus and be killed instantly, My federal probation office might say hell no, a child may get sick, my soon to be ex-husband may be an asshole about the whole thing. So all I am saying grilfriend is KEEP THE FAITH! Let nothing steal your joy! I think you are amazing and you inspire me and right now I need all the ins[iration I can get. Yes this is a rather selfish post--but I mean what I say. KEEP THE FAITH.