Thursday, June 15, 2006

the hardest thing i've ever done

There is a sense of pride and accomplishment that comes with knowing that I have almost completed chemotherapy. Nothing I've ever done has been as hard as this.

I am stronger than I thought I was. And tougher.

I know that I still have one more horrible chemo and the grind of radiation (not to mention Herceptin treatments every three weeks for a year) but I just realized today that the worst really is behind me.

Breast cancer has cost me a lot, physically, mentally and emotionally. I have not stopped being angry that it happened to me (and to other women, in frightening numbers). I have, however, gained a sense of my own strength and the confidence of understanding what it means to be a 'survivor.'

I know that others have always seen me as confident but I know how often I avoided challenges or situations which made me feel scared or intimidated. I think that will happen far less often in the future.

It's not that I don't expect to feel frightened or intimidated. It's that I know I can face those fears. I've written before that I did not anticipate how much of the fight against cancer is mental. I now know that I am brave enough to face a life threatening illness and strong enough to survive treatment with my optimism and sense of humour intact. There are very few challenges that now seem insurmountable.

That is the gift my cancer has given me.


Doe said...

Dear Laurie,
just skimmed thru ur blog; i think you're more brave than any of us..may God bless give you the strength to heal you...
i'd also like to share with you these words by Howards Cosell;

"Courage takes many forms.
There is physical courage, there
is moral courage. Then there is still a higher type of courage-
the courage to brave pain, to live with it, to never let others know of it and to still find joy in life; to wake up in the morning with an enthusiasm for the day ahead."

God bless you

Brenda said...

Wishing you continued courage as you face your last chemo treatment.