good things

Time for another one! What would yours be?

In random order, the things that make me happy these days:

Lynn Miles.

Billy Bragg.

Tea.

Thinking about Canadian travel.

Colours.

Massage and reflexology.

My friends and chosen family (and that includes lots of real family).

My sister (because that bears repeating).

Dark humour.

Dog faces.

Tim (for 25 years this month. Over half my life).

My brain (ironically, I know).

Spring.

learning to breathe

Last year, when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and went through surgery, I was fine.

I mean, the surgery was brutal and recovery was excruciating but emotionally, I was mostly OK.

A year later, except for the back of my head (which is a little bit sensitive), I'm fine physically but the emotional part has become more of a challenge. In the last few months, it's become clear to me that I'm only going to work through it all with a little outside help.

So, I'm seeing a therapist. I know it's the right thing to do and I like and instinctively trust the woman I'm working with but it's not easy at all. 

We've talked about how all my life, I've been pretty good at getting along by stuffing a lot of my fear and anger into an emotional closet. This has, for the most part, been a remarkable coping mechanism. However, no door is completely effective at shutting out the bad stuff and, when it leaks out through the cracks, it manifests itself in ways that can take a very large toll on the body and spirit. At this point in my life, my emotional closet is so full of anger and fear that the door is in danger of bursting wide open. 

I'm afraid of losing control.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed that some of it is so ugly.

I'm scared of taking my darkest thoughts and holding them up to the light.

But I think it needs to happen.

I've also been thinking a lot about how I live most of my life in my head, to the point that I'm really quite disconnected from my own body. At my very first session with my new therapist, she pointed out that when I talk about my fear of another tumour or about certain things from my past, I hyperventilate. And I don't even notice.

She spent most of the second session interrupting me and telling me to take deep breaths, hold them and then exhale slowly. She asked me how I was feeling and I said "Impatient."

What I thought was "I'm paying all this money per hour, so I can sit here and breathe? I can do that at home."

Except that I don't. So she's given me homework. I have to spend two minutes a day, twice a day concentrating on my breathing (we started with four minutes but it felt like an eternity).

In.

Out.

Just taking in oxygen. It's so basic. Yet here I am, 46 years old and learning to breathe.

done with the "good girl"

Since the beginning of my treatment, I have asked questions and attempted to make the most informed decisions possible. I've worked at being a good self-advocate without being difficult, just because I'm pissed off and fed up.

Sometimes that's a challenge.

I am, however, fundamentally, and through lots of conditioning, a good girl.

I've put up with a lot of crap and maybe endured some things I didn't need to, for the sake of keeping the peace, getting through and not rocking the boat. The need for approval runs deep in this girl.

Tomorrow, I go in for further testing on my port. The nurses in the port unit are work in very cramped conditions and seem overwhelmed. Last time I had an appointment, I waited for over an hour to be seen and was then treated like I could not possibly know anything about my own treatment or medical experiences.

After five painful attempts to access my port, they filled it with fluid (what the nurse at the treatment unit the next day, called "Drano for ports") that stayed in overnight. That didn't work. When I next spoke the port-team coordinator, I was told to come in for a "portogram", an X-ray with contrast fluid inserted, so that it will all show up better on film.

I asked "Can you tell me why I need to do this? We know it's broken. What will the portogram tell us that we don't already know?" 

The coordinator seemed taken aback but answered readily enough: If the port does not seem to be obviously broken, they can try a slow flush over four hours of the same fluid that sat in my port overnight a few weeks ago. Apparently, pushing the fluid through slowly can be more effective.

All of this begs the question - Why didn't we just do these things in the first place? Why did I have an ordinary Xray and why the overnight with the Drano?

If the portogram shows that, after more than seven years, my trusty port is truly broken, they'll have to replace it. It's relatively minor day surgery, and worth it to have a working port, as 5 years of chemotherapy has wizened and toughened my poor little veins. The two treatments I've had since it stopped working have been stressful, time-consuming and painful. My arm is still covered in bruises. A working port-a-cath makes treatment so much easier.

But there is a catch. They want to put it in on the other side (it's currently on the left). This would mean another very visible scar, just below my clavicle. And because there is very little fat left on the mastectomy side, the port itself will likely protrude as well. The area just below my clavicle on the right side is already sensitive, the idea of adding a port to that side is extremely unappealing.

I know that, in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing but I'm feeling very annoyed. I think I'm going to dig in my heels, this time. If my port worked for 7.5 years on the left side, I see no reason that a new one can't work on that side again. 

After everything I've been through, it may seem like an odd place to draw the line but this good girl has had it. After tomorrow, no more tests. It either works or it doesn't. And I'm not giving up my left side port without a fight.

book review - But Hope is Longer: Navigating the Country of Breast Cancer*

“I felt like a snake having to shed its old skin... I mourned each layer of myself as I imagined it loosening and separating from me before I sloughed it off and watched it fall to the ground: my resilient good health, my identity, my hopes for a vibrant future. The shedding of each successive layer left me even more naked, raw and vulnerable. At that point, I had no sense that there was any regeneration underway or that there would be anything to replace the parts of myself I was losing.”

-Tamara Levine, ButHope is Longer: Navigating the Country of Breast Cancer.

Being diagnosed with breast cancer changes you, irrevocably. In But Hope is Longer, Tamara Levine writes beautifully of her own transformative process. She also, in sections called Reflections, looks back on her experience with the benefit of time and a clear-eyed analysis. Finally, she interviews all of her caregivers from those at the cancer centre, to her naturopathic doctor to her life coach - bringing together their insights on treatment and patient care. The result is a book like no other.

For Tamara, the writing process began with a series of Healing Journey letters she wrote to family and friends. In these letters, she brings loved ones up to speed on what is happening with her but also shares her feelings, observations and the things she learns along the way. These letters helped Tamara to rediscover her love of writing and with these stories she shares her experiences from medical mishaps and mismanagement, getting on the right track, her celebration of friends, feelings about physical changes and the loss of her beloved father to leukemia. These are the pieces that very frequently left me with a lump in my throat.

In the sections she called Reflections, Tamara fill us in a bit more on what was happening during the times she wrote the letters. She also thinks back on the decisions she made, sometimes critically. Tamara doesn't mince words here, as she relays interactions with those closest to her and the experiences that were part of the treatment process. Most important of all, she concludes that the most serious flaw in breast cancer treatment in Canada is a lack of coordination across treatment areas (the caregivers themselves speak of working in “silos”) and makes the recommendation that this be addressed in the form of a “nurse navigator.”

“If we were to imagine a better process...what would it look like?...there is a centre for where women go for 'one stop shopping' for all the diagnostic and planning steps leading up to treating their breast cancer...We are warmly greeted by a nurse who has been specially trained for her role as 'navigator' who has taken the time to become thoroughly familiar with our file...she advises us as to what lies ahead, at least in the short term...She is available to us throughout the journey.”

This vision would transform the experience of cancer patients. I'm convinced it would also improve outcomes. I hope someone at my cancer centre who is in a position to create change reads this advice and takes it to heart.

The last thing Tamara does is interview her caregivers. Their comments are interspersed throughout and included in Voices of the Healers. Each one clearly cares about the outcome of every patient and all bemoan the lack of cooperation between treatment teams. In particular, I was struck by the willingness of the 'mainstream' oncologists and surgeon to engage with Tamara's naturopathic doctor as well as the humility and wisdom of each person who was interviewed. I've never seen the words of healers collected in this way and the result is powerful.

The very best of books stay with the reader and may even influence how they live their lives. As an ongoing cancer patient, I was very moved by But Hope Is Longer. I also initiated my own relationship with a naturopathic doctor (ND) after reading Tamara's book. My new doctor specializes in oncology and I'm very excited and grateful for this new relationship.

But Hope Is Longer is compulsively readable, full of clear, useful advice and includes the perspectives of those who spend their days thinking about how to better care for cancer patients. More than a breast cancer memoir, this is a book that everyone will want to read.

But Hope Is Longer:Navigating the Country of Breast Cancer (256 pages, $19.95) was released by Second Story Press in October, 2012. In Ottawa, it is available at Chapters, Octopus Books, Singing Pebble Books and Britton’s.  

*Originally published in the Glebe Report, on January 18, 2013.

do you have lymphedema?

Do live in the Ottawa area? Do you have secondary lymphedema (as a result of any kind of cancer)?

University of Ottawa professor Roanne Thomas and her team are is running a pilot of a study and are looking for participants:

I've lived with truncal lymphedema since my mastectomy in 2006. Very little has been written on this subject and the advice I've found online or been given in workshops all has to do with arm lymphedema. My arm is fine but my chest and back can become very uncomfortable, to the point that it can be outright painful to wear a prosthesis. And the measures you take to prevent lymphedema in the arm can make truncal lymphedema worse.

I would love to have the chance to share my experience, learn from others and gain new insight into living with lymphedema. Unfortunately, the scheduled dates don't work for me, so instead, I'm reaching out to you.

Would you benefit from a program to support people with cancer-related lymphedema? Would you like to help create one? Contact Liz at epigott@uottawa.ca.

Hopefully this pilot will be tremendously successful and the researchers will get funding to run a national lymphedema support program. I'd like that. Meanwhile, if you take part, please keep me posted.

it's not easy be(com)ing green

"You know what would make this kale smoothie better? Get rid of the kale."

-Tim, March 9, 2013

"I've added flax to my green smoothie. Now, all I need is a protein."

"Like a side of steak?"

-conversation between Tim and me, March 10, 2013*

Really unappealing but tasty, I swear.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about meeting with Heather, a cancer coach at the new survivorship centre. Her background is as a nutritionist and I have chosen to focus on that topic with her.

She's impressed on me the importance of making small SMART goals. I've chosen to focus on getting at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables every day for the next month (after which I will buy myself a small present, as directed by Heather).  I was sure it would be laughably easy.

It is not.

Heather also gave me some recipes and encouraged me to try them as a way of increasing my consumption of fruit and vegetables. I tried a version of one yesterday with kale, mango and mixed berries. It was delicious but the blender didn't do a great job with the kale, leaving chunks of it to get stuck between our teeth (see first quote from Tim, above).

After a wonderful conversation on Facebook (it seems that lots of people find the topic of making green smoothies to be of passionate interest), I decided to put the water in first and blend the kale before adding the fruit. A video on "How Your Blender Uses Physics to Make a Smoothie" posted by my friend Hélène, was fascinating and very helpful.

Today, I put water and the kale (more than yesterday) in first. This helped my blender to be much more effective. I added fruit gradually, until the bitterness of the kale was masked by the berries and mango. I also added a tablespoon of flax seed.

The result wasn't pretty but it did taste pretty good.

I also found out yesterday that my friends have very strong feelings about their smoothie-making appliances. It made me covet a new appliance but Tim has rightly suggested that I should wait until I have a proven commitment to smoothie-making.

I think I'll ask for a Nutribullet for Mothers' Day. Andrea and others rave about it and it is the cheapest of the lot. It's bound to be less labour intensive than what I'm currently doing (I have to keep removing the lid and stuffing the unblended bits down). Also, there probably shouldn't be a burning smell when I'm done blending.

I'd love to hear all your adventures and advice about smoothie making. Recipe advice would also be welcome, along with other suggestions (what do you use for protein, besides a side of steak?). Andrea shared a link to the Almost Raw Vegan, who has 50 recipes that look pretty good to me.

*I've just figured out that flax seed is a great source of protein. See how little I know?

a centre for "survivorship"

We're just back from a restorative week in Florida. It was truly wonderful to be with loved ones, play outside in the sun and dispense with all cold weather gear.

We arrived home at 2:30 in the morning to the snow and the cold. I'm sleep deprived and I don't wish to leave my house. But in a few short weeks, winter will be behind us and I can put my winter gear in storage (or just leave it out and in the way until I need it again). I feel very, very lucky to have escaped, even if I could use a nap this morning.

This afternoon, I have an appointment at Ottawa's "survivorship centre" with a "cancer coach". The place has been open for less than a year and offers a host of programs for people in treatment. I went to an orientation session a couple of weeks ago. I was impressed and inspired by what I saw there.

The Maplesoft Centre (the name bothers me for it's lack of descriptiveness and for other reasons, too. I started to explain and then realized I was writing so much in these parentheses, I need to save my comments for another post) is a beautiful building with a family room, sitting room for meetings, full kitchen and kitchenette, an exercise room, an infrared sauna and something called a Snoezelen room that really has to be seen to be believed. They offer a host of programs related to all aspects of physical and emotional health (nutrition, exercise are chief among them but I helped pilot the Arts for Wellness program last spring) . Some programs are drop-in and some are ongoing. All are free to cancer patients, after an initial session with a cancer coach, who helps to set goals. Participants can choose to meet with the coach twice more or simply to avail themselves of whatever programs and services appeal to them.

The centre staff are the first to admit they were initially afflicted by growing pains. I signed up while I was participating in the Arts for Wellness pilot, that was then taking place off-site. The following summer, I rode my bike to the centre and was put off by how deserted it was and the way the admin staff seemed to have no idea what to do with a visitor. I was definitely left with the impression that the place (which houses the Ottawa Regional Cancer Foundation) was there for fundraising and not really available to cancer patients.

I'm happy to admit that I was wrong. While I did fall through the cracks (I should have received a call after I joined, inviting me to an orientation and a meeting with a cancer coach), my experience appears to be an anomaly. The place I visited three weeks ago was a hive of activity, full of men and women of all ages. Even the lounge area, which they'd had to unlock on my earlier visit, was busy with people reading, working on their laptops or using the computer made available to members.

The centre still takes three times as long to reach by public transit than it would by car (but that's the City of Ottawa's fault) and it only has a handful of bike racks ( perhaps we can remedy that in the warmer months) but parking is free and there is a bus stop right outside the centre.  

I think the Maplesoft Centre needs to be doing better outreach to potential members. They also need a "how to get involved" tab on their website. As internet savvy as I am, I could not find anything explaining how to get involved. If the orientation and cancer coaching sessions are a requirement (and I can appreciate why they should be) then this information needs to be readily available to potential participants. I certainly would have been keener to make use of the centre if I had known this information.

My appointment is this afternoon. I'm looking forward to it. Watch this space to see how it goes.

filling that prescription

A few years ago, I worked my way through the Artist's Way. I found the process to be extremely helpful in getting me past my writer's block and I followed the program dilligently - except for one component. In all twelve weeks, I did the Artist's Date exactly once.

I know in my head that play time fills the soul. And I know that the repetitive motions of knitting can spark creativity and be enormously soothing. Yet I seldom set aside time just to knit unless I'm watching a movie with my kids,out on a knit date or on a road trip. And I know, too that I chose knitting as my play because I usually have a product at the end that someone can use. This makes the time easier to justify.

But human beings need to play in order to be happy. And the benefits of creative time spill over in to so many other aspects of our lives. Blondie, one of my favourite bloggers wrote in a recent post she wrote after a night of insomnia:

...I got up and went to the couch. Sitting on the footrest was the latest cross stitch project I've been working on. It hadn't been touched since sometime last week. I can't even remember when I started it? I picked it up and worked on a little flower. In no time at all, I felt my body and spirit relaxing. I realized I was holding my entire body slightly UP and in a very unusual and stiff way. I was wound up TIGHT. If you touched me, I probably would have zapped you with a long, blue, electric arc. But after a half hour of stitching, I was much more calm. Even the kittehs seemed more relaxed. Collectively, we were detoxing. And after I made some good stitching progress, I made myself go lie back down and try to sleep. Eventually, I did.

Blondie called her post "Prescription for Art." I think this is perfect. Indulging our creative needs should not be an afterthought but a prescription for mental health and happiness. As Blondie points out in her post, art is good for our bodies and our spirits. We should all make time for it. The product need not be perfect. It's the process that matters.

We can't all make great, or even good art. But perhaps this prescription applies most of all to those of us who would never call ourselves "artists." We can all seek inspiration in the world (and from art of all kinds) to make stuff and make ourselves a little happier.

small changes: two steps forward...

It's high time I reported in on my plan to make small and lasting health-related changes in my life this year. 

It turns out that a small change every week is too much to expect, so I'm going to stop numbering them that way. It makes me feel like less of a slacker.

First change: Weigh in and record my weight every Monday.

My scale is broken and I have yet to have it fixed or replaced.

Second change: Do strength training exercises developed for cancer survivors. Work up to about thirty minutes, three times a week.

I've done these exactly six times in the six weeks since I last updated. It's too easy to talk myself out of doing the exercises. On run days, I tell myself that I'm too tired or don't have time and on non-run days I either don't think about it or don't want to do the exercises in my street clothes. I'm lacking both structure and discipline.

I've been pondering going swimming. I also did something last week that I may live to regret. I bought a twenty class fitness pass from a local gym. It only cost twenty dollars, and I have two years from the first class to use up the pass. It's pretty low risk but I'm worried I'm going to hate it.

At least it addresses the structure question.

Third change: Drink no more than five alcoholic drinks per week.

I seem to be better at breaking old habits than starting new ones. I've had no problem with this goal.

Fourth change: Drink more water.

My original goal was to drink around ninety ounces a day. That was unrealistic and made me feel hungry,jittery and even a little nauseated. Also, I was constantly running to the bathroom. Instead, I am now aiming for the more realistic eight glasses a day. This is no problem for me.

Fifth change: Meditate every day. Start at five minutes and work my way up to twenty.  

I suck at meditating. I just can't seem to still my brain, even if only for a few minutes. I find myself making lists, wondering what to do next, even mentally writing blog posts about how hard it is to meditate.

I suppose I should keep trying, as lots of folks I respect tell me how much they gain from their daily practice. It's a struggle though. I'm comfortable with silence. I don't tend to listen to my ipod when I go for walks or running but I do find sitting still and silencing my thoughts to be hard, hard, hard.

And see above re "structure" or lack thereof.

Sixth change: Always sit down to eat.

It's a very interesting experience to notice how often I pop food into my mouth while standing up. Sometimes, I only think about my plan to change after I'm done. But it's a good habit to break and I'm glad I'm doing it.

And announcing...

Eighth change: Take all my vitamins and supplements.

A while ago, I became so overwhelmed with the amount of vitamins and supplements that had been recommended for me that I just stopped taking any of them. The bottles were taking up way too much room in my kitchen cupboard and I couldn't find a vitamin box big enough to accommodate them all. I everything up in a box and put it in the bathroom in my basement.

Last Thursday, I found a giant pill box and spent half an hour on the week end getting organized. Yesterday, I took most of the vitamins (at different times throughout the day) and had raging heartburn by early afternoon. 

Today, I have yet to take any. 

I have recently re-connected with my nutritionist and we're going to review the supplements I'm taking, at an appointment two weeks from now. I'm also confused about interactions. Some vitamins should be taken with others and some shouldn't. Some taken with food and some not. Is it any wonder I put them all in a box in the basement?

Perhaps I should be setting priorities. What should those be? Calcium? Vitamin D? Fish oil? 

Anyone else out there have the problem of getting heartburn when you take vitamins?

As always, I welcome your thoughts and feedback. What changes have you made for your health in the last while? How's it working out?

more yoga for those of us who live with cancer

Do you live in Ottawa? Have you been treated for cancer or are you in treatment now? Can you get to Old Ottawa South on Wednesdays at noon? Maureen Fallis, Director of Surround Circle Yoga, Certified yogaTHRIVE© Teacher has put together what promises to be a great program. I'm excited and planning on participating. Care to join me?

YOGA THRIVE

A course specifically designed for people who have an experience with cancer.

“Peace, ease, strength and a renewed sense of being human – this was my experience. It must have been the power of yoga at work!” S.B.

yogaThrive© is a therapeutic yoga program that will help improve body mechanics, breathing, ease, flexibility and strength. This 8-week program is designed to work at a physical level providing for immense shifts physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually … which could open the door to even more profound changes throughout the psyche. What begins on one level tends to continue at multiple levels – an absolute necessity for full healing to occur. The change can be fast, even when the stimulus or the input appears slow and steady.

Discover the beauty of yoga ~ feel better-stronger, more relaxed and in more control!

Surround Circle Yoga

15 Aylmer Avenue, Old Ottawa South

Wednesdays 12:00 – 1:15pm

January 19 – March 9, 2011

March 23 – May 11, 2011

$88.00 (HST is included)

www.surroundcircleyoga.com

613-730-6649

0-2-9-14

Yesterday was a chemo day, so I don't have much in the way of original thought to offer up to you.

It was more stressful and a longer day than most but made infinitely easier by the presence of my friend T. We had lots to talk about and she ably distracted me when I felt the stress levels rising (the guy beside me was, for much of the time, having a shouted conversation with the man across the "pod."). She even tucked me in very sweetly as I settled in for my post Demerol nap.

Between bloodwork and chemo, T. and I went out to lunch at The Green Door. Over our veggies, we got to talking about food. I've been seeing a nutritionist, who has made some initial adjustments to my diet (minimal sugar, no dairy, more raw food, a high quality protein with every meal or snack). Since I told the nutrionist that I drank no more than five drinks a week, I've also been trying to stick to that. What I need to figure out is what exactly constitutes a drink. Is a pint of beer one drink? Two? One and a half?

T. told me that her doctor has been telling all his patients to stick to the following formula: 0-2-9-14

0 - at least one night every week you have no booze at all.

2- no more than 2 drinks at any given time.

9- women should have no more than 9 drinks per week.

14 - the maximum for men.

That makes sense to me and doesn't seem too onerous. Of course, if one is hoping to lose weight, drinking less (or not at all!) makes sense. Empty calories, decreased willpower, increased appetite...there really are lots of sensible reasons to forego the booze. I do enjoy beer and wine, though and don't do well when I try to cut anything I like out completely.

What do you think?

how cool is this?

Yesterday morning, I got a call from Oresta. She told me that she had read my article in the Centretown Buzz and wanted to reach out to me.

Even though I love her store and spa (I asked for gift certificates for Christmas last year), I was not on her mailing list and had not received the letter that I posted above.

It's hard to read, so here is the text, in full:

OCTOBER is BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH

Pinkwasher: (pink’-wah-sher) noun. A company that pur-
ports to care about breast cancer by promoting a pink
ribboned product, but manufactures products that are
linked to the disease.

Dear clients,

ORESTA organic skin care confectionery is committed to providing organic spa
treatments and to supporting companies that manufacture truly pure and organic
products. We believe in beauty without compromising your health.

We have been touched by cancer in our families and with our clientele - as
cancer survivors and undergoing cancer therapy. The prevailing comment of clients
who have come in for a spa treatment while undergoing therapy was how nurturing a
visit to ORESTA organic skin care confectionery was for them.

We have wanted to help the cause but have struggled with a way to do this.
Do we donate a % of sales? a % of services? Do we fundraise? For which organiza-
tion or foundation? In the end, what feels right for us, is doing what we do best:
pampering.

If you, a friend or loved one is undergoing cancer therapy and would enjoy an
organic facial treatment, please contact us. We are committed to treating one
woman per week to a complimentary ORESTA treatment.

Oresta was calling to offer me a facial (I am going on Friday) but I offered to blog about this offer. She asked me to clarify that she and her staff will be offering this service to women undergoing treatment throughout the year - not just during October.

I am impressed and touched beyong words. Have any of you ever heard of anyone else doing this?

I told my spouse that, by coincidence, I had written in journal that morning that I would really like a facial. He said, "Tomorrow, could you write that you would really like a home renovation?"

i have excuses (no, the dog didn't eat my blog posts)

I'm back.

I didn't intend to keep Will and Billy and the boys at the top of the page for so long. I keep meaning to post but I never seem to get around to it. I wanted to assure those who have expressed concern that all is well.

It's time to re-commit to regular updates and to begin, please let me explain my absence:

The last round of chemo was kind of hard. I'm not sure if I was hit with an additional bug but I experienced some really gruesome side effects (I'll let you use your imagination), especially last Friday, when I should have started to feel better.

The truth is, that I am taking longer to recover every round, these days. My oncologist has suggested that I skip a treatment this summer. I plan on taking July off so I can go to BlogHer (Did I mention that I got in? I was so disappointed when I came back from Florida to find that the conference had sold out. I can't really afford this but when I learned that there was a space for me, I hesitated for only a couple of hours before taking out the credit card. After all, my book will be there, I want to be there with it!)

I'm going to ask my doc if I can take August off, as well. It can't hurt to ask, right?

When I have felt well, I have been running around a fair bit. I have had a bunch of appointments (among other things, I have returned to physio and lymphatic massage, after taking a long break), errands and other commitments.

Last week end, for example, my spouse and I took D. to the Cumberland Heritage and Power Festival. There were so many cool things there, a steam powered rock crusher, water-powered toys and little tiny steam trains on which you could ride. I wish I had brought my camera. The photos would have made a great blog post.

I blame Twitter. I find sometimes that I have begun to compose my thoughts in 140 characters. For example, I tweeted about my brain MRI results but I see that I didn't write about them here (I think this is a common problem. I remember Average Jane citing Twitter as an excuse for not blogging). They were great results, by the way with absolutely nothing suspicious in evidence, or as I reported to my spouse, "There is nothing there."

I have had BSG to watch knitting to do.

Promoting my book, while fun, has left me kind of uninspired. But I am getting past that. How many more times can I say, "Please buy my book?" or "Don't forget about the Toronto launch on June 11?"

The truth is I haven't been doing much writing of any kind lately. And I miss it. I just seem to have fallen out of the habit.

But the only way to make something a habit is to do it.

So here I am.

taking care of my body in 2009: part 2

This year I promised myself to "treat my body as well as I have been treating my mind."

That's my ultimate goal but I am trying to be S.M.A.R.T. about it (setting small goals along the way that are specific, measurable, attainable and realistic and timely).

In January I set out to:

1-Walk VIGOROUSLY for an average of one hour, five times per week (300 minutes a week).

I did pretty well at this. I fell about 90 minutes short of my goal for the month but given the truly lousy weather we had last month, I am still giving myself a pat on the back.

It certainly felt good to pick up the pace again. I hadn't really noticed how my walks had turned into strolls (and a lot of time standing around in the dog park). When I had to stop running (just after the Run for the Cure in October) because of tendonitis, I didn't really think about getting my heart rate up again during walks. I'm pushing myself again now and it feels really good (once I convince myself to get out the door).

A big benefit (I was going to write "side benefit" but it's really not) of exercise is the psychological boost it gives me. My weight hasn't changed and my clothes still fit the same way but I look different in the mirror. I see myself differently. I was going through a period where I would wake up in the morning and really dislike my own face in the mirror (the word "hag" actually crossed my lips once or twice, I am embarrassed to admit). But I feel pretty again. I (mostly) like the way I look. And I have more energy.

Not bad a bad payoff for four weeks.


2-Eat seven servings of fruit and veggies a day.

Doing it. I seem to have actually developed an addiction to blueberries in the morning.


3-Cook dinner at least once a week.

I did this one too! At least on average. One week I cooked five times. Sometimes the meals were extremely simple and none were particularly fancy but I am actually starting to enjoy it. I never thought I'd see the day.

And I would welcome any suggestions for healthy, kid friendly meals.


So, still taking baby steps, here are my additional goals for February:

1-Go to yoga once every week.

This one felt huge because I hadn't been since some time in the spring. But I went on Monday! My friend L. was in town and she goes to a weekly yoga class. I asked if she would force me to go to class come to class with me and she readily agreed.

Iyengar yoga can be a little weird (lots of props, lots of precise instruction, less flow and lots of talking) and my teacher is a bit eccentric. L. was game and a very good sport about it all (I had warned her ahead of time) and we both liked it that there are people of all ages and shapes (the teacher is the exact opposite of the stereotypical yoga instructor) in the class I go to, dress is very casual and they know how to accommodate a range of disabilities (there was a woman who had obviously injured her back, doing modified poses on a contraption with a rail). The atmosphere is extremely comfortable and it's a three minute walk from my house.

My teacher recognized me instantly and I found myself wondering in the first three minutes why I had found it such a big deal to come back. We worked hard and although I didn't realize I had been working my core, I was sore in all the right places the next day.

I have to remember that feeling next time I am curled up on my couch and it all just seems like a lot of time and trouble.


2-Cut down on refined sugar.

What do I mean by 'cut down'?

I am allowed to have a low sugar cereal in the morning (or a bit of maple syrup on unsweetened cereal).

I can have one row of dark, fair trade chocolate, if I am craving something sweet (and only once per day).

And during and after chemo, if the only thing I want to eat are bran muffins, than so be it.

But no more ice cream or desserts unless they are very, very special and then only rarely. I don't like how sugar makes me feel and it doesn't take long for me to become addicted. I think I will feel less tired.

Anyone know any good recipes for making muffins with stevia or other non-chemical sugar substitute?


3- Take my vitamin D and calcium supplements daily.

It's Wednesday and I haven't done this once, so I had better get on it.


How have you been doing with the goals you set this year?

dvd review: "visions for cancer recovery"

I was asked to review this DVD "written and narrated by Mary Hallman, who researched and and developed this program based on her experiences during her recovery for fallopian tube cancer." She is also a registered nurse.

The full title of the DVD is "Visions for Cancer Recovery: A Guided Visualization and Health Meditation." It's 20 minutes long and divided into four sections: "Introduction", "Begin Body Relaxation", "Stress Release/Deeper Relaxation" and "Healing On A Deeper Level: Cancer Cell Elimination."

The DVD uses "scientifically rendered scientific imagery." I also learned a new word, "apoptosis." It's the scientific term for "cancer cell elimination." Cool, no?

What I liked about it:

• The music chosen as an introduction was appropriate and set a relaxing tone from the beginning.
  

• There was a disclaimer at the beginning of the DVD cautioning that the program is to be used in conjunction with, not instead of, more conventional cancer treatment. I very much appreciated this.

• The voice-over (by Mary Hallman) was very relaxing and reassuring.

• As I watched, I was taken from very familiar (and soothing) scenes of nature, all the way into space. We then returned from space, to think about the cells working within our bodies. I liked placing myself in context this way and enjoyed that imagery.

• I enjoyed imagining imagining any cancer cells in my body being absorbed and eradicated by the healthier ones.

• The messages repeated at the end were ones that really did speak to me and that I could see myself repeating throughout the day: "Cancer cells are not surviving...Only healthy cells survive....the body does what it needs to do."

What I didn't like:

• I couldn't get into watching a guided meditation on my television or computer screen. When I relax, I like to close my eyes. Just as I would find myself getting into the program, the voice would remind me to "keep your eyes on the screen." It just didn't work for me.

• I didn't find the visual imagery used to be very effective. The nature images were pretty but I would have enjoyed imagining my own relaxing locations much better. The other images didn't work for me at all (and there was an image of a coil that I actually found weirded me out).

The production values on the DVD seemed to me to be quite high. And it was obvious to me that the person who developed it was knowledgeable and thoughtful. Perhaps this DVD would be more useful for those who are having trouble conjuring up relaxing imagery or imagining what cancer cells look like. Or maybe some will find it soothing to have the visuals provided for them. I think, though, that I prefer audiotapes.

Or my own imagination.