Wednesday, September 26, 2012

ambiguous ambivalent

I had abdominal and thoracic CT scans a couple of weeks ago. For the first time since July 2007, I was not simply told that all is clear.

But I wasn't given bad news either.

I was told over the phone that some of my lymph nodes look "suspicious" but as my oncologist conveyed via his nurse, "that could be anything."

I was just recovering from a bad cold when I was tested, so that could have inflamed by lymph nodes. The only thing to do right now is wait, go in to see my oncologist on October 10th and then - I don't know. Do another scan and see if there is any change?

I've been told not to worry, so I'm working on that and on patience.

Meanwhile, I have a brain MRI scheduled for next week. This is purely routine, as herceptin does not cross the brain blood barrier. I have been fretting about it because I did not enjoy my last one - it's so unbelievably LOUD! I'm bringing company, extra ear plugs and lorazepam.

I'll have the results for that on October 10th as well.

So I'll be sitting tight, keeping busy and focusing on the things over which I have some control.

Anyone want to sit and knit somewhere or come help me organize my house?

"Worry has an anxious and unfocused quality. It skitters subject to subject, fixating first on one thing, then on another. Like a noisy vaccuum cleaner, it's chief function is to distract us from what we are already afraid of." - Julia Cameron, Walking in this World.


Lise said...

Laurie - I can knit with you for a bit this evening or tomorrow morning. Next week: Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday evenings. As for organizing your house, I suspect that if it's anything like my basement, it will require more than an hour or two. Given that, I would be happy to help at some point. Sometimes it takes an objective eye to help with that sort of thing.

laurie said...

Ha! I wasn't entirely serious but I would LOVE to knit with you. This was a treatment week so I think next week would be better. I can Tuesday or Wednesday evening.
As for my house - I fear it is an impossible task. Not just getting the work done but figuring out what to do and how to do it.

deb said...

Good to distract yourself with some positive tasks. I would love to knit with you, too. so you have lots of knitting options. Next week is better than this one for me, too.

As for organizing your house, I managed to clean a closet and my fridge but can't tackle the basement yet or the top of the washer/dryer.

Finding small manageable tasks much easier than the big ones. Do you have any of those?

Facing Cancer Together said...

A knitting party sounds lovely, I hope you ladies have a good time. Laurie, hang in there with the waiting and 'not' worrying. And as for the MRI - I like to pretend it's a disco and I'm back in my early 20s, dancing it up. How's that for an approach?

Sending some great, healthy thoughts your way.


Lene said...

I'll knit with you on the phone anytime. We can plot to take over the world as a distraction.

Anonymous said...

I've got a scan tomorrow morning—bright eyed and bushy tailed—and for weeks I've been fretting. Since Friday I've been swimming in music (Ed Sheeran and Mumford & Sons specifically) which has reminded me that I'm here now. That I have no control over the scan nor the results. I only have control over what I am doing today, tomorrow and what goes on between my ears.

I've been reminded that I can only and should only worry if and when I'm told to worry.

Having said that, I know it doesn't always work. Busying yourself with something that makes you happy does help though.

I am sending you good vibes, thoughts of happy healing and all goodness. I believe in the power of prayer or string theory or whatever it is that brings on miracles!

If you want to come for a visit, we can do a Chubby Yoga weekend chez moi!!! Free room and board :)

Hugs to you and your family,

laurie said...

We're a Mumford and Sons house. Music truly does help. And a trip East - that may just need to happen too!

Anonymous said...

I would love to knit with you as well - next week, name the night. We are away this wkd....xoxo KJ

Henriette Ivanans said...

if i lived in ottawa, i would happily purge your house from top to bottom. i am a pro. ask nicole!..."letting go is the hardest part...". ugh. i am also a pro at that. love, love, love, h xo

Nancy said...

Laurie...I only wish I could knit..I'd join you! I was just relieved of my worry yesterday...waited 3 weeks for a liver cat scan because my oncologist said a particular lab test has been elevated and it "could be" mets. It was the loooongest 3 weeks of my life. Thankfully, everything is was negative for cancer....but it still doesn't answer the question about the elevated labs. It seems I am not yet used to the new normal of worrying over tests ALL the time! This wasn't the first time and it won't be the last. I guess this is just what living with cancer is all about.
My thoughts are with you as you wait this one out! Hang in there!

laurie said...

Nancy- so glad you got good news. Waiting for potentially bad results is painfully stressful.

s.e. said...

when my daughter had an MRI (it was to look at her brain too) this past summer she got to watch a movie. They give the kids headphones and then project a movie where they can see it. I think adults should have that option too. It meant that she didn't have to be sedated like last time and the experience was almost enjoyable for her.

laurie said...

That sounds brilliant. I would love to have any kind of distraction. I wonder how it would head was enclosed in a tube, held in place with padding and it was very dark and close. How would they show the movie?