how i do it

Someone asked me yesterday how i do it, meaning how I manage to keep it together in the face of my most recent diagnosis.

The truth is, sometimes I don't keep it together at all. There are moments when I feel like I 'm standing on the edge of an abyss and it takes everything I have not to be pulled into the darkness. And, sometimes, I feel like I have fallen over the edge and just managed to pull myself out or, more often, have had someone who loves me grab my hand just in time.

And, even on the good days, there are hard moments, like the conversation I had today with my spouse about a call we need to make to our financial planner. We need to tell her that she will no longer need to put a plan together for my retirement. It's hard to say some things out loud.

But I do have so many good reasons to stay positive, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, willingly and with determination:

1- I want my kids to have an engaged, active mother. I plan to be around for some time yet and I want to enjoy my children. I also want them to remember me as strong, loving and mostly happy.

2-There are still so many reasons to be happy. I went for my first post-treatment walk today. The sun was bright, the snow was new and white, my dog's tail was wagging happily. What's not to enjoy?

3-I have so many people who love me (see above re getting pulled out of the abyss) and have shown me in countless ways that they will never give up on me.

4-Life is full of fun surprises, like the gift certificate for Amazon.ca that I found in my inbox the other day (Sassymonkey's doing. She did a very generous, wonderful thing. You can check her blogs out here and here and a bunch of other places too, like BlogHer).

5-I still have lots to learn and do. Life is not boring. And with a lot of the petty stuff stripped away, many things are, in fact more interesting.

6-The way I see it, I have two choices. I could wallow or I could chose to enjoy life as it is. I believe the latter route will help me to live longer and definitely make the time I have left more enjoyable. In a lot of ways, it just makes sense to chose to be positive.

I'm writing this from my brand spankin' new laptop. I needed a new one (and writing is so key to my happiness) but Santa went all out and got me a fancy one (100 Gig hard drive! Whoo hoo!). I've named her Betsy. She's beautiful.

Happy New Year everyone.