first one, then the other

My older son went back to school this morning. I did a little happy dance in the hall after he left. It's not that I mind having him around but the kid has to go back out into the world some time, you know?

And then of course, my six year old woke up with a sore throat. He really doesn't seem too sick to me (he had the first part of the H1N1 shot last week) but these days, I prefer to err on the side of caution (we are relieved that there is no coughing, as D. has asthma and things can get scary pretty quickly).

We've been hanging out in our pajamas on the couch. I don't know if this will help me reach my deadlines (or my NaNoWriMo goal) but it's pretty sweet.

things i've learned in the last 7 days about h1n1 (and other things)

My older son and I were both sick last week and are bouncing back rather nicely. The experience taught me a few things, though:

1- The illness varies in its intensity. We both ended up with fairly mild cases.

2- My doctor is extremely efficient and her office is very well organized. This ended up making a very big difference for us.

3- Tamiflu, if administered within the first 48 hours of the onset of symptoms, can greatly alleviate those symptoms.

4- Oral Tamiflu can make you feel very, very queasy.

5- You don't always get a fever when you have the illness.

6- If you have any of the symptoms, you should assume you have the illness.

7- You will not get tested for H1N1 unless you land in the hospital.

8- Even if you think you've had swine flu, you should still get the vaccine, unless it was confirmed with a test.

9- The hysteria around this is getting to be a little overwhelming. Remember: Most folks who get H1N1 do not get seriously ill.

10- If you are having trouble breathing, you should go your hospital's emergency room.

11- If you have been running a fever for more than 48 hours, you should see your doctor.

12- Judging by the line-ups in Ottawa, there are a lot of people who live here who fall into high risk groups.

13- My six year old knows how to come through in the crunch. He stood in line for 5 and a half hours. He was patient and good humoured the whole time (my spouse was with him). And then he got a needle at the end. The only thing he asked (at regular intervals) was if he could go to St. Hubert when they were done.

Even though it was well past his bed time, T. took him there when they were finished (I forgot to ask him if he had beer with his chicken). And since St-Hubert now has nut free desserts, he topped off the meal with a brownie and ice cream.

And then we bought him a new game for his DS.

14- If you leave me a link saying that the vaccine is poisonous or that I am a dupe of the pharmaceutical industry, I will not be impressed. Chemotherapy is poison, too and it has saved my life. There really is such a thing as a "necessary evil."

I won't add my rant about how this pandemic is being mis-managed by all levels of government because I wouldn't be able to stop.

I will share Rick Mercer's rant with you, though.

worth 1,000 words

how cool is this?

Yesterday morning, I got a call from Oresta. She told me that she had read my article in the Centretown Buzz and wanted to reach out to me.

Even though I love her store and spa (I asked for gift certificates for Christmas last year), I was not on her mailing list and had not received the letter that I posted above.

It's hard to read, so here is the text, in full:

OCTOBER is BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH

Pinkwasher: (pink’-wah-sher) noun. A company that pur-
ports to care about breast cancer by promoting a pink
ribboned product, but manufactures products that are
linked to the disease.

Dear clients,

ORESTA organic skin care confectionery is committed to providing organic spa
treatments and to supporting companies that manufacture truly pure and organic
products. We believe in beauty without compromising your health.

We have been touched by cancer in our families and with our clientele - as
cancer survivors and undergoing cancer therapy. The prevailing comment of clients
who have come in for a spa treatment while undergoing therapy was how nurturing a
visit to ORESTA organic skin care confectionery was for them.

We have wanted to help the cause but have struggled with a way to do this.
Do we donate a % of sales? a % of services? Do we fundraise? For which organiza-
tion or foundation? In the end, what feels right for us, is doing what we do best:
pampering.

If you, a friend or loved one is undergoing cancer therapy and would enjoy an
organic facial treatment, please contact us. We are committed to treating one
woman per week to a complimentary ORESTA treatment.

Oresta was calling to offer me a facial (I am going on Friday) but I offered to blog about this offer. She asked me to clarify that she and her staff will be offering this service to women undergoing treatment throughout the year - not just during October.

I am impressed and touched beyong words. Have any of you ever heard of anyone else doing this?

I told my spouse that, by coincidence, I had written in journal that morning that I would really like a facial. He said, "Tomorrow, could you write that you would really like a home renovation?"

chemotherapy and the H1N1 vaccine

As someone in ongoing chemotherapy, I have a compromised immune system. This puts me at increased risk for contracting H1N1.

I am among the priority groups established by the City of Ottawa, as is my family, and were it not for the hours long lineups (several centres closed the lineups by late afternoon), I would have had my shot yesterday.

I did call the oncologist yesterday to ask about interactions between Neupogen (the drug I take after chemo to boost my white blood cell count and fight infection). When I didn't hear back immediately I checked with the cancer centre receptionist who, told me (after checking with someone) that I should go ahead and get the shot.

Today, the nurse who works with my oncologist called and told me to wait.

The reasoning goes as follows:

Chemotherapy suppresses the immune system.

The flu shot is meant to boost it.

Having the H1N1 shot (or any other flu vaccine) too close to chemotherapy lessens the effectiveness of the shot.

Those of us getting chemo are instructed to wait to the end of the chemo cycle, get our bloodwork done (to ensure that our counts are high enough) and then get the shot the day before the next round of chemo.

This means that I will be waiting until November 10 for my H1N1 vaccine.

And washing my hands. A lot.

beautiful night

Thanks to everyone who came to the Toronto launch last night.

My face hurts from smiling and my heart is so full it could burst.

And the bookstore sold out the books.

launching

I'm off to Toronto today to celebrate my book! If you're in town, come see me at the Toronto Women's Bookstore.

We'll have a little nosh, a little drink, I'll read from the book...I think it will be a nice evening.

Meanwhile, here's a link to a blog called "Incredible Women," where I am honoured to say that I am being featured today.

milestone reviewed

I am featured on a blog called "Women at Forty" today.

When I was aked to submit a post, I thought it would be appropriate to re-visit a post I wrote on the eve of my fortieth birthday.

I'm looking forward to writing my fiftieth birthday post. Only eight more years and countless clean scans to go.

de-bunking the pink

"Three years ago, I saw a story on the news while I was at the gym. An investigative feature on the breast cancer awareness contributions that various corporations pledged during Breast Cancer Awareness Month found that most of these promotions led to increased sales and windfall profits that dwarfed the piddling donations that the extra sales generated. Until that moment, I was gung-ho about buying products marked with pink ribbons."

And so begins the best article I have ever read on the subject of the pink-washing of October (and not just because the author says you should all go out and buy my book). Suzanne Reisman hits all the bases in this piece and does it with eloquence and a sense of humour.

If you have ever struggled to understand why some of us object to pinxploitation (I just made that word up), your questions will be answered.

advice (with the benefit of hindsight)

Last week, the Centretown Buzz (an Ottawa community paper) asked me to write the article that "I wish I could have read when I was first diagnosed."

It's on the front page of this week's issue, and begins like this:

On December 1^st, 2005, I found a lump in my breast, as I was getting undressed. One month later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was 38 years old, with two young kids and a very hectic life. I felt completely blind-sided.

Almost four years later, and with the benefit of hindsight, I share some advice for others who find themselves in my situation.

As I looked back on the last few years, the following key points best summarize my advice:

Bring someone with you to appointments, especially in the beginning.

Be your own advocate.

Be nice to the admin staff and nurses.

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else.

Let others help you.

Never give up hope.

The entire article is online, so you can read it for yourself.

Let me know what you think. And if you've been there, please don't hesitate to share some of your hard-earned experience.

will you be there?

Just a reminder to anyone who lives in Toronto or anywhere nearby or who would like to visit Toronto that my book party (postponed in June because of the flu) has been re-scheduled for October 22, from 7-9 pm.

I have been washing my hands lots and lots so that this overdue celebration can happen.


Also, I have been getting lots of interesting comments and messages in answer to my post on internet community. It's not too late to jump into the discussion.

a relative accomplishment

I just got back from riding my bike to and from the hospital to have blood work done. It's pretty cold out there (3C or 37.5F), so I was feeling pretty tough - like a real cyclist with frozen fingertips.

When I came to the big hill just before the hospital, I passed a man riding on the sidewalk. "it's pretty steep," he said, as I edged past.

"It is," I laughed. I admit that I was feeling pretty smug.

Then he took the wind out of my sails. "At 85 years old, it keeps getting a little harder."

When we reached the top of the hill, we had to stop at the lights. He kept chatting, while I had to gulp for air before I could respond.

When the lights turned green, he sailed past me, seemingly fully recovered from the climb.

Maybe I need more air in my tires. Yeah, that's it. Or maybe I need to tackle that hill more often.

around the table and around the world

Boy, am I dopey today.

We had our Thanksgiving dinner last night - turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing (probably the best I have ever had) smothered in gravy. A beautiful salad with a basil and feta dressing. Lots of wine. And Guinness chocolate cake, pumpkin pie, whipped cream, ice cream and chocolate sauce for dessert (I don't think anybody actually had all of those things).

And a truly lovely group of people.

It was perfect.

Today, I am trying to make notes for a presentation I am giving on Thursday. I need to talk about my transformation from individual cancer patient to a member of a vibrant and supportive community.

I had lots of thoughts about this on the week end, when I really didn't have time to write them down. Today, my brain seems to have been replaced with mashed potatoes and gravy (Mmm. Leftovers).

It's an interesting question, though. My online community (which consists of folks I have met in real life and others I probably will only ever know online) has been a key source of information and support over the years.

So, help me out here. What role does your online community play in your life? How did you come to build these virtual relationships? Does the internet help sustain relationships with friends?

I'm not asking you to do my work for me (really, I swear). I'm just curious how you react to the words "network" and "community" and how they apply to your online life.

nothing ventured...

I have decided that I won't be doing NaBloPoMo this year.

My heart just isn't in it. This is in part because two of my NaBlo compadres have died. It just won't be the same without Sara and Emily. I miss their voices so much and I just don't feel like blogging every day without them at my virtual side.

But November can be a hard month for me and I still need something to distract and consume me.

I also need motivation to return to the scary (for me) world of fiction writing. I got so much done during my online writing course last year but have done nothing since submitting my outline for a novel, as my final assignment on December 31.

A few weeks ago Rachael suggested to Zoom that she try NaNoWriMo. And that got me thinking. If structure is what I need and my inner critic is my worst enemy then what better solution than to crank out 50,000 words in 30 days?

They don't even have to be good words (what matters with Nano is quantity over quality).
And before I know it, November will be over and I will have a whole bunch of words on paper.

Sounds like fun, right? Right?

S. is joining me, as part of the NaNo Young Writers' Program. I'm very pleased.

random book

Last week, I saw my book on the shelf at Chapters. I had walked in the back door of the store on Rideau Street, which leads straight into the health section. And there it was - or rather there they were. Three copies of my book just sitting on a shelf in a book store. It was a thrill to see it there. I had to call my spouse right away to tell him.

I had to go back to the same Chapters three days later (I had left my glasses in the store). I couldn't help going back to visit my book. There were only two copies left! They had sold one! I took a couple of steps away and then went back to pull a copy out so that the title page faced towards the front.

My heart still belongs to independent book stores, though. They are owned by booklovers, have knowledgeable staff and are the most supportive of writers. If you can buy my book through your local independent, I strongly encourage it. And if your local bookstore carries my book, let me know. I'll put their logo and a link in my sidebar.

I am quoted in a recent BlogHer article by web teacher Virginia DeBolt. Her post, "Self-Promote Your Book Using The Internet" has some really interesting ideas. I had never thought of doing a book trailer, for example. Of course, I still need to write content for the book's web site.

I also want to remind those of you in Toronto that the Not Done Yet launch will take place at the Toronto Women's Bookstore (73 Harbord, near Spadina) on October 22 from 7-9pm.

really random

I had to turn on the heat today. I was hoping to wait until later in the month but the temperature dropped to 12C (53.6) inside the house.

Late last week, I became convinced that something had crawled into our chimney or heating ducts and died. We have since had both cleaned. No dead thing was found but the smell is gone, too.

I've been watching more television lately than I have in years (when I could go weeks without watching television). I have become hooked on So You Think You Can Dance (US and Canadian versions) and Glee. I also have just discovered House. I've clearly been missing out on something good, there.

After yesterday's grumpy post, I want to say that I think there are lots of groups out there doing good work on behalf of cancer patients. I like Breast Cancer Action (although some chapters are better than others), the Canadian Breast Cancer Network, Living Beyond Breast Cancer and the Young Survival Coalition (they are behind the Annual Conference For Young Women Affected By Breast Cancer). Can you suggest others?

I also like to support my local cancer centre. I felt torn about this, as I believe that it's government's job to fund hospitals (through my tax dollars) but as a consumer, I know how many services are desperately needed.

I had a wonderful four day visit with my friend, K. We spent every waking moment together and still the visit felt too short. We were room-mates at Pearson College (K. is from the Netherlands). I nearly fell over when she pointed out that we met 25 years ago this month.

I realized when I was with K. that it was really important to me that she she appreciate all the things that I love about Ottawa. My heart soared when we were walking along Richmond Street in the rain and she announced how much she likes it here.

We hung out in the Glebe, Westboro and the Byward Market. We went walking in Gatineau Park. We visited Kingsmere. I had never been there. I loved the purple prose describing the property, the ruins and Mackenzie King himself. I also found it amusing that while we were informed of the fact that he was Canada's longest serving Prime Minister, there was no mention of the fact that he was completely bonkers.

Where do you like to bring friends who visit your home town?

"what's wrong with breast cancer awareness month?"

"October is breast cancer awareness month, which again fills the stores with pink products and pink ribbons. But many people with breast cancer are feeling exploited."

It's only September 30th and I already have pink ribbon fatigue. I ranted about about this in 2006, 2007 and 2008 (there is also a version of this rant in my book, Not Done Yet).

This year, let me point you to an excellent article by Maija Haavisto (and I don't just say this because she quotes me):

Since 1985 October has been celebrated as breast cancer awareness month, often symbolized by pink ribbons and the color pink. It is interesting to note that the awareness month was started by the drug company AstraZeneca (which manufactures several breast cancer drugs) and the pink ribbon originated from cosmetics giant Estée Lauder.

Simply put, I think a lot of breast cancer awareness month is big scam. To quote Maija's article quoting me (is this as po-mo as it gets?):

"I really resent big corporations making a profit - while donating only a tiny percentage to breast cancer research - on some disposable item that has been made under questionable environmental conditions by workers who are paid less than a living wage."

Want to do something to raise breast cancer awareness? Make a donation to an organization doing good work. Advocate for changes in environmental laws. Encourage young people to be aware of changes in their bodies. Do something nice for someone who has been affected by the disease.

And if you are craving a slice of pink cake, washed down with a glass of pink lemonade, by all means, indulge yourself. Just please don't do it in my name.

k. and the colossal colon

On Friday evening, my friend K. will be arriving from the Netherlands for a long-anticipated visit. I haven't seen her since she flew to London to hook up with S. and me in the spring of 2008. I can hardly wait! Two more sleeps!

K. is a gastroenterologist and is coming to Canada for a conference in Toronto. She's making a special trip to Ottawa to hang out with my family and me for the week end.

The last time K. came to this part of Canada was in 2005, when she attended a conference in Montreal. I took the train to meet her, and we went out to dinner and had a sleepover. At that point, we hadn't seen each other in almost twenty years and I was worried that we wouldn't recognize each other. That turned out to not to be a problem, and I remember how my heart lifted when I saw her.

I also remember the Colossal Colon that was set up in the atrium of the conference centre. The thing was huge colossal. I was awestruck. And I seem to remember that no one else was giving it a second glance.

I was reminded of this reunion and the big colossal colon the other day, when someone on Facebook linked to an article by Miami Herald columnist and humourist Dave Barry:

"What happened was, a giant 40-foot replica of a human colon came to Miami Beach. Really. It's an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote awareness of colo-rectal cancer. The idea is, you crawl through the Colossal Colon, and you encounter various educational items in there, such as polyps, cancer and hemorrhoids the size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ''Whoa, I better find out if I contain any of these things,'' and you get a colonoscopy.

If you are as a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it. So I went to Miami Beach and crawled through the Colossal Colon. I wrote a column about it, making tasteless colon jokes. But I also urged everyone to get a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the Colossal Colon, signed a pledge stating that I would get one.

But I didn't get one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was practically a member of Congress."

Barry goes on to tell how some jarring news about his brother moved him to finally have the colonoscopy. And other than the prep, it was no big deal.

It's called, "A Journey Into My Colon -- And Yours" and it made me laugh out loud in several places. Go read it.

And, if you're over 50, make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

talking "not done yet."

I'm going to be on BlogTalk radio tomorrow!

The show: Lovebabz Lovetalk.

The time: 12:30-1:15 EST.

The call-in number: (718) 766-4895

The subject: Not Done Yet, Living Through Breast Cancer.

Please call in, if you can. I am really looking forward to this on-air chat with my friend Babz.

tired

I've been really struggling with insomnia lately. Falling asleep is tricky enough, but remaining asleep is the real challenge.

Most nights, I find myself awake plagued by questions:

Where do I know the actor from who played the handyman in The Waterhorse?

Should we have washed the dogs before we cleaned the carpets?

What if my oncologist ordered a thoracic CT scan so soon after my last abdominal one because they heard something during my last exam (and not just because I hadn't had one in a long time)?

Is the hat I'm making for D. going to be too small?

Was the other movie The Truth About Cats and Dogs? (I looked it up. His name is Ben Chaplin and it he was the actor in both movies).

Was I sent for two CT scans two weeks apart because of poor planning (or poor communicaiton) or is there something ugly growing on my lungs?

If the hat is too small, should I give it to someone else or rip it out and start over?

And so on, until I realize that sleep is hopeless.

Then I get up, play a little online Scrabble (or Lexulous), look up movies on the internet, check out what's happening on Facebook and hope that I will start to feel sleepy again.

But I'm tired today and tired makes me feel melancholy (I have more on that subject but I think I need to save it for another post).

I could drink more caffeine or go take a nap but neither will help me sleep tonight. Don't know if I can help myself, though.

random. out of necessity

It's Day 3 After Chemo and my brain is jumping around like a puppy with a burr up her butt. I can't focus on anything for more than a few seconds so here is a little bit of randomness:

One:

It appears that my family and I will be among the first in line for the H1N1 vaccine. My kids will be so thrilled.

Two:

My friend Jeanne, the Assertive Cancer Patient, posted about a reader in Texas who has $187,000 worth of Neupogen that she can't use:

"Texas doesn't have a drug repository that would take this medicine and pass it on to someone who needs it, and she hates to see it go to waste, as do I.

Any ideas, readers?

Obviously, we can't break the law and put this stuff on eBay or Craigslist, so I am looking for legal ways to get these expensive drugs to someone who can use them."

Three:

Yesterday, I got a phone call from the CT booking unit at my local hospital. I was informed that my oncologist had ordered a scan of my abdomen and chest, to be administered within the next couple of weeks.

I had a CT scan on September 4. When I mentioned this to the person who was booking the appointment, she had me call the nurse who works with my oncologist to confirm that they really want me to have another one. The nurse called back today and said that I didn't need to do the abdomen but since it's been a while since they have done the chest, we should go ahead with that.

I called the booking person back and the appointment has been scheduled for this Sunday afternoon at 1:20 (I had to cancel plans). My questions: Why didn't we they just order my chest scan for the same time as my las CT? Or my next one? I have no reason to believe that my doc suspects that there is anything wrong and I bet that if I could talk to him directly he would say that the chest scan can wait until we next do the abdomen. Why should I be subjected to extra radiation, an extra trip to the hospital and an extra session of find-the-vein when we have no reason to believe that there is anything wrong (and while I continue to undergo chemotherapy)?

But it's just not worth fighting about. Sigh.

Four:

Finally, I have another finished object to show. It's a Clapotis. I totally wish this one were for me but it has been promised to someone else. I will definitely add another one to the knitting queue. I made it from Knit Picks yarn (the Gloss Sock Yarn, merino wool and silk). It's lovely stuff (especially after washing) and relatively inexpensive. It also came quickly. I'll definitely order from them again.

These photos don't really do it justice but my son was a very, very good sport about posing for them.

frequent flyer

I had chemo on Tuesday. It was kind of a long day (I started with bloodwork at 8:30 and left the hospital at 3:30) which passed quickly due to the company of a really good friend. We had so much to say to each other that we needed the whole day to cover everything (except for when I was sleeping. The demerol/gravol combo really does knock me out).

It would have been an even longer day if I hadn't been on the receiving end of a little preferential treatment. At one point, the nurse who coordinates the chemo floor came out to reception and wrote on the notice board that they were running an hour behind schedule. I happened to be standing nearby and she caught my eye and said to me, in French, "environ" (approximately).

I was surprised, then, when my name was called a few minutes later. I passed the same nurse again, on the way in, and said, "That wasn't an hour."

"We squeezed you onto another team," she replied.

My friend, C. said, "Are you queue jumping?"

I smiled back. "It's the life-time membership."

bone loss: a public service announcement

I have been reading Cancer Fitness by Anna L. Scharwtz. I'm only a few chapters in, but the book has already taught me some important things.

I don't tend to devote a lot of thought to preventing bone loss but I did know that regular weight-bearing exercise helps prevent bone loss and to build strong bones. And while I walk and run (just finished the Running Room's beginner program again), I really don't do any strength training (or core work, for that matter, despite repeated promises to myself).

The women in my family tend to have strong bones (and good bone density) but what I didn't realize was how many factors put me at risk:

• early menopause, as a result of chemotherapy.


• doxorubicin (Adriamycin, the infamous "red devil). I had 6 rounds (this is also the drug that temporarily damaged my heart).


• decadron and other steroids (I had higher doses with the first 6 rounds of chemo but I still get decadron through IV with every chemo treatment, to help mitigate side effects).


• lorazepam (Ativan, which I use only occasionally for insomnia. I had absolutely no idea that it caused bone loss)


• regular consumption of caffeine.

And I don't drink very much milk, either.

Remember, that promise to myself I made in January? Well, I have not made as much progress as I would like. So, I signed up for a fitness class at my local community centre that incorporates core work and strength training (since the free weights, stability ball and exercise bands don't seem to be doing much more than collecting dust) to get myself started. Now, I have another reason to get to it.

I also took a calcium supplement today for the first time in months. Those suckers are horse pills but I think I need to get back into the habit of choking them down.

What are you doing to prevent bone loss?

toronto book party (take 2)

If you live near Toronto or have plans to be around, I look forward to seeing you there!

(the flu is not going to get me this time).

CT results

"It's good news!" said the voice on the other end of the phone. She sounded ecstatic. When you are nurse working in oncology, relaying good news must come as a welcome change.

"You're kidding!" I exclaim. Then, "I don't know why I always say that."

She laughs. "Well, there is no change. It's stable."

Seriously, she sounded giddy. We giggled some more.

She said, "You have a wonderful week end." She really sounded like she meant it.

Suddenly, I'm in the mood to celebrate. I already have dinner plans. And I probably would have had a beer anyway (they have Beau's. How could I resist?).

Now, I may have two. But I doubt it. I will just enjoy the beer, the food and the company (six people I love), even more.

this side of the fence

The view from my kitchen window.

back to the book

And yes, that's 'book.' Singular. As in, Not Done Yet: Living Through Breast Cancer. I haven't talked about it in a while (I burned myself out and I'm sure that you all were pretty bored with all the self-promotion) but fall brings fresh starts, renewed energy and a willingness to get back to work (or something like that).

Are you like me, in that you still find the return to school feels like the beginning of a new year (whether or not you have kids) and brings with it the impulse to make resolutions (or re-commit to those made in January that have long since been abandoned)? And to buy school related things? And read more?

How about buying a book?

I have been informed that Chapters/Indigo now has a bunch of copies in stock, so that you don't have to wait weeks when you order online. This also means that, if your local Chapters/Indigo does not carry the book, you can ask them to get it in for you. And if the books they have ordered sell well, they'll order in more.

However, I continue to have a deep and abiding love for independent bookstores. This feeling has only deepened since become an author with a small Canadian publishing company. The indies have been the most supportive and by far the easiest to deal with. Octopus Books, here in Ottawa, hosted my book launch. Collected Works also carries the book. Please support your local independent book store.

If you know of a local, independent book store that is carrying my book let me know. I'll contact them and see if they want their logo (with a link) added to the sidebar of my blog.

And of course, you can still by the book through Women's Press.

Finally, I have about a dozen copies of the book that I will happily sell. I charge the price of the book plus the exact amount of postage that it costs me. You can order via my nifty pay pal button or by sending me an email (notdoneyet at kingston-wayne dot ca).

i do run on

The echocardiogram was fine, the doctor found nothing unusual when she examined me, my butt is sore today from all the biking, the technician got the vein on the first try before the ct scan, I will have results in about a week, I got to go on a great walk with my sister today, my kids and spouse have just left on a two night canoe trip and this evening, I am going out for a grown-up dinner.

Life. Is. Good.

routine anxiety

Today and tomorrow I will make a total of three trips to the General Hospital for tests and an appointment with my oncologist (I toyed with the idea of staying at the hospital all day today but, with 4 and half hours between appointments, I chose to come home. This will mean an extra bike ride up the big hill that is Smythe Rd but I have chosen that as the lesser of two evils).

These appointments will probably never stop making me anxious but I am feeling especially stressed out right now, perhaps because the timing is so compressed.

This morning, I had an echo-cardiogram.

This afternoon, I see the oncologist (My appointment was set a week earlier than it usually is in the cycle and his nurse insisted that I come in for the appointment, as opposed to calling in. This can't have anything to do with my health, as he doesn't have any test results for me. Is he having all his patients in to tell us in person that he is leaving? I have no evidence that this is the case except irrational speculation on my part).

And tomorrow morning, I have a CT scan.

All of these things are just a routine part of my life. But I don't think they will ever feel routine to me.

fifteen (ok, seventeen) books

"Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Select fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. Choose the first fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes."

My friend P. tagged me with a book meme on Facebook yesterday. I found myself laying awake last night, thinking through what my choices would be. It was fun to riffle through my mental library and pull out the books that have, for one reason or another, had a lasting impact.

I suspect that if I were to do this meme again next week, my answers would be significantly different.

Another friend, the pseudonymous Winnifred T. Poodle also tagged me. And then I found that my list replicated one of P.'s choices and two of Winnifred's. Would these books have been on my list without the power of suggestion?

Consider yourselves all tagged. And yes, I do know that I have listed seventeen books. I couldn't bear to pare down my list any further; it certainly would have taken me more than fifteen minutes to do so. And besides, it's my blog and I get to make the rules here.

Here are mine, in the approximate order that I read them:

1. Pride And Prejudice (Jane Austen)
2. This Can't Be Happening At Macdonald Hall (Gordon Korman)
3. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (Judy Blume)
4. The Grapes Of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
5. The Lord Of The Flies (William Golding)
6. Kamouraska (Anne Hébert)
7. A Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man (James Joyce)
8. The Women's Room (Marilyn French)
9. Midnight's Children (Salman Rushdie)
10. Shikasta (Doris Lessing)
11. The Fifth Child (Doris Lessing)
12. Bastard Out Of Carolina (Dorothy Allison)
13. Fall On Your Knees (Anne-Marie MacDonald)
14. Middlesex (Jeffrey Eugenides)
15. Bitter Chocolate (Carol Off)
16. The Book Of Negroes (Lawrence Hill)
17. Fruit (Brian Francis)

first day

My insides are churning today. I am unable to concentrate on any one task. And I didn't sleep well last night.

You see, today was the first day of school.

D. started Grade 1 at a new school. S. went into Grade 6 at the same one.

I remember Grade 6. It was when it started to be all about my peers. I remember the drama, the intrigues, the intense friendships that formed and broke up. And I remember the hormones.

And as for D., I can't believe that my baby is old enough to be in Grade One. He has been counting down the days for weeks, complaining that the summer was too long and that he just wanted to start school already. His expectations are very, very high (although last night when he couldn't fall asleep, he asked my spouse, "What if I get bad grades?") and I worry that he will be greatly disappointed.

Yes, emotions ran very high in our house this morning.

And the kids were pretty worked up, too.