Thursday, October 09, 2008

lost

Reading Lene's post on dreams yesterday got me thinking about a post I wrote on that subject last March.

And then last night I had a panicky dream that I was lost in a hotel (hotels and houses seem to be key themes for me). First, I could not find my friends' room and then I could not return to my own. I could not remember my room number. Halls led to nowhere or to places that were completely illogical (like an ice rink). Calls on hotel phones went unanswered, were connected to people far away from the hotel, or produced directions that made no sense (or that I could not remember. These are key fears of mine as a chemo patient - forgetting things or not being able to understand them).

At one point, I was trying to open a door and it turned into a folding wall. For a few moments, I was trapped.

The last thing I remember, was finding the front desk. A woman was giving me directions when my younger son woke me up. Perhaps my dream was about to resolve itself.

I have not been able to fight the lingering feeling of anxiety this morning.

I did have an appointment with the doctor who works with my oncologist yesterday. It was a reassuring appointment, though, as she repeated again that my CT results showed no change from the previous five.

Perhaps I am feeling a little lost now that the book is finished.

The first two weeks after I was done, I felt relief and a sense of freedom.

And taking a break from MyBreastCancerNetwork.Com is definitely the right thing for me right now.

But I think I might be suffering from a case of "what's next?"

I am someone who once really defined herself by work and I have really struggled with the shift in identity that came with being a cancer patient (I feel great most of the time but I am in bed for the days after treatment. My oncologist does not want me to work and I am fortunate to have disability insurance).


One of my goals for myself for this year was to begin to think of myself as a "Writer." In order to do that, I need to keep writing.

I am excited at that prospect.

But I think I am a little scared, too.


6 comments:

annie said...

You have so much to say and reflect on which you proved with your blog. You already are a writer, now you just have to decide what kind of writing you want to focus on at this stage of your life. You have this in you, just write!

laurie said...

Thank you so much! Words to repeat to myself.

Dee said...

I agree with Annie. You are already a writer. The possibilities are endless and that's exciting. I can also understand the being overwhelmed part, too. What to write about can be daunting. You've been doing some reviews of books lately - is there a particular genre or topic that you're passionate about? You need a break from writing about cancer. How about writing a book or an essay about motherhood? I love the stories you tell about your sons and the things they say and do. There is obvious pride and love that I hear on those posts. Good luck dreaming up possibilities!!

Lene Andersen said...

OMG! We have the same recurring dream! Okay, so I know I just sounded as if I were squealing, but honestly, I didn't. A-hem.

I get how your present in-betweenness could make you have that dream - haven't quite figured out what path to take next. I vote you relax, enjoy smelling the roses and you'll find what you're writing next when you least expect it.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Happy Thanksgiving this Monday.

I hear you on this. I started panicking at the end of the book. I needed to know the next thing. But it sort of became like those finger cuffs where the harder you pull, the tighter they get. I spent some time just sitting still and thinking. The next project came. I hear you on needing to know the next book.

Princess Tinybutt said...

although i haven't written a book (yet... babz is harrassing me to do so,lol!), i can totally relate. i'm still struggling with the identity shift too. maybe a bit of denial ;)

yes, i totally agree with annie and dee - start thinking of yourself as a writer, because so many of us already see you as that. you do it regularly with your blog. so...

be well :)