Friday, June 27, 2008

looking out at the world

My computer and my body are both still pretty sick.

I have been thinking though about my tendency to become a hermit when I get to feeling low, missing work and my old life (or give in to the fear, as cancer is still very real presence and I know that I have not escaped it).

Chemo weeks tend to be the worst but I will admit that I have been struggling a bit of late.

I have this friend who refuses to stop calling me, though, even when I don't call back. A friend who calls and leaves me messages that say, "Just checking in!"

A friend who refuses to let me turn completely inward.

I am very grateful.


Dee said...

Hi Laurie,
I went through a period a couple of weeks ago where I just wanted to isolate myself from everyone else. I was feeling really low. It was a tough time, complicated by the fact that I'm divorced and not dating anyone at present. What I ended up doing is telling people to please email me or to call me because I just didn't have the energy to initiate them myself. I also reached out to other cancer survivors (like Jeanne) via email. I started coloring mandalas and had an acupuncture and reiki treatments within a couple of days apart. It all helped to bring me out of the worst of it - and multiple phone calls with one individual who was great to just listen. That mood is still hanging on me (it's the flippin' daily radiation treatments and having to deal with a 3x6 inch open skin wound right over the implant that won't let the mood completely dissipate).

Part of the reason why I wanted to isolate, I think, is because being around "normal" people (those without cancer) was hard - I sometimes resent their happy go-lucky lives and I imagine that they don't realize how good they've really got it. That's when I pull out the gratitude lists because I realize that other people have it much worse than me.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I understand the desire to become a hermit. Jeanne tends to go with that and hides in her room for a day or two. I find that completely isolating myself makes me feel worse so then I reach out to people and ask them to reach out to me. Each person has their own way to deal with the desire for isolation. I also took some time to be by myself, either looking outdoors or walking or coloring mandalas (which I found very peaceful). I hope that you find something that helps you. Take care . . .

Anonymous said...

It's still down to just one week a month, right? So it still sucks, but it still sucks less than it did?

I look forward to you having to do this even less frequently as things just continue to get better and better. It's a slow road, but you've done so well so far, even though you might not be feeling it just at the moment. I have very high hopes for you, not that this means a bloody thing, but just so you know.


Rebecca said...

Laurie, Have you thought of greenhouse therapy? All you have to do is find a greenhouse (with or without plants) and spend a little time in there. It will be warm, bright, sunny. Chemo is almost like having that seasonal disorder thing, without the winter cold. Try a nice dose of sunshine, walking the puppy even. Hermitting is completely acceptable, just make sure fresh air is supplementing your tendencies.

laurie said...

Thank you all -for your support, advice, encouragement and for 'getting it.' love, L.

Lovebabz said...

Hye Sister,

I am cheering you on even on your "I am feeling funky I don't want to be bothered" days...cancer or not we all have them!

Just be kind to yourself. You are entitled to funky days.

Princess Tinybutt said...

hi laurie. i know how you feel. i just finished a round (4 infusions 2 weeks apart)almost 2 weeks ago and all i want to do is stay curled up in my bed, or on my comfy blue sofa, with the remote and my ladybug (my 6yr old). i don't want to move and even resent having to get up to go to the bathroom! :-/

but i'm starting to come out of it now. and, as you know, you will to. chemo sucks. that's just it. it does a number on our bodies, our minds, and our spirits. therefore, you (we) are more than allowed to have what i call 'chemo-funk' days, and the pitty party on the potty (when i'm hurling) that sometimes follows mine. so long as you flush! flush all the funk down the toilette.

this is also why we need each other. to help each other, pull through it.

you can do it laurie. :)

FlippyO said...

Hermit? Gee, I wouldn't know anything about that. (my last blog entry was June 6th) Foreclosure, repossession, pain...and somehow I'm feeling in a funk. ;)

I hope you and your computer are feeling better, and that neither of you are just faking it until you feel it. I hope to be making it to Ottawa someday w/ Leigh-Ann (she's already made two trips to Canada this year, but didn't spend much time at her sister's, so she didn't write to you), so we can have lunch or somethin'.

I can only imagine how nasty chemo week is and how it affects you the other three weeks of the month. I'm amazed that you're ever able to get out of bed. That you don't spend all your time sitting in bed and reading is amazing to me.

Mom2Amara said...

Dear, I'm so sorry I wasn't around the blogosphere when you were not feeling well. I hope you're doing much better!

And reading your posts reminds me just how lucky some of us are to have true friends in our lives.