Tuesday, May 17, 2011

selfish (dear loved one)

I'm sorry that my fear becomes yours.

I regret that you get pulled into my panic.

I feel ill when my every cough, ache or bump twists your insides the way it does mine.

I would prefer to protect you.

I want to watch you smile, hear your laugh, feel your heart thump with joy when you pull me to your chest.

I don't want to make you scared, or sad or worried.

But I can't wish you weren't ever scared or sad or worried.

Because I need to share.

Because I need not to feel alone.

Because I need you.


Lene Andersen said...

good one. captures it just perfectly

Anonymous said...

This encompases exactly what we go through. It is beautifully written, Laurie. Thank you for sharing your "selfishness".

Henriette Ivanans said...

eloquent wisdom...life lessons that will strengthen their souls...h xo

Anonymous said...

a late response -- hopefully, you'll see it. 1st of all, I appreciate your posts -- thanks for putting yourself out there!

When my spouse was diagnosed with primary BrCa, she told me that I had the more difficult position (watching her and not able to "fix" the problem). When I went through the same diagnosis/treatment five years later, I knew what she meant.

Then hers went metastatic (first found in the liver), and she was gracious enough to allow me to join her on her journey for as long as possible (she died just over two years ago). I was so grateful to be able to be present for/with her!

It's possible that your "selfish" reliance on your loved one is the primary catalyst allowing him to be strong for you, enabling him to hold things together. Perhaps he selfishly appreciates your willingness to allow him on your journey. Perhaps he would fear more if you didn't share your fears with him. Perhaps his joy is deepened by the way you open yourself up to him and share all parts of yourself (not hiding your real self by trying to protect him).

I know that I would have treasured so much more time together -- gladly, selfishly. But I am grateful beyond words that she shared as much of her journey as she did, while she could.

best wishes to you -- enjoy your chemo holiday!


laurie said...

Sarah: That is one of the most beautiful, moving, insightful comments anyone has ever posted to this blog. Thanks so much for your generosity in sharing your story. And I'm sorry that your spouse passed away - I can tell that you loved each other very much.