Thursday, June 30, 2011

how i've changed

When I was a young adult, I definitely considered myself to be an extrovert. Then, in 2007, a year or so after my cancer diagnosis (and after being on leave from my job for most of that time), I did the Meyers-Briggs test. The person who explained my results to me said that mine was the most even split between introvert and extrovert that she'd ever seen.

Fast forward to last weekend when I attended the PAB conference. Walking in the door on a Friday night to an environment where it felt like everyone already knew each other was terrifying. My chest tightened, my breathing became shallow and I felt something between "slightly queasy" and "I think I'm about to puke my guts  out." 

I texted Tim, "This is so hard" and sent out similar messages to the Twitterverse (I will be forever grateful to Flutter for her words of comfort and encouragement).

And then I settled in for a great conference. Did I hide behind my Blackberry? Yes, lots. Did I sit by myself instead of joining other folks? Most of the time. Did I go on the evening boat cruise? I did not (my poor brain was too tired from all the big ideas and and the constant exciting but draining stimulation of the day). But I stayed and I learned and during Saturday lunch and over a couple of breaks I forgot to feel awkward and had a really good time. I even stood up to ask a question on the last day (although I forgot the question when I had the mic in my hand. I found something to babble about). For the most part, I think that's good enough.

Paralyzing anxiety disorders run in my family. And I know that the more you give in, the worse it can get. And I know that I've missed out on some truly wonderful experiences over the last couple of years because I've been too scared to go. I confronted my fear last week end. And I'm proud of that.

Next up: Blogging Out Loud Ottawa. Every year, I've found a reason not to go. This year I'm going to be there (hold me to that, would you?). There will be people I know and like. It will be fun. All I have to do is get myself through the door.

9 comments:

Andrea Ross said...

Of course you're going to BOLO. I'm holding you a seat! ;p

Lene Andersen said...

I'm totally impressed - I'd have curled up in a corner sucking my thumb!

I'll be with you in spirit at BOLD!

sassymonkey said...

I am so sorry that we can't go to BOLO together. Silly last minute trips!

amy said...

BOLO was my first event where I met a whole bunch of people I knew online in person and I was terrified and hovered near the people I had already met - this year I submitted a post.
It's a great event, and I hope to see you there.

laurie said...

I'm going to go and it's going to be fun! Karen- I will miss you but will do something together soon after you get back. Remember to enjoy the travel!

MoninaW said...

Can I tell you I'm terrified to go to BlogHer this year? I've been before but I'm so far removed again from blogging I'm frightened of not knowing a soul. But it's about the experience, of soaking up knowledge. And that's what you did at PAB. And what you'll do at BOLO. And then people will find you. And see your fierceness. And love you for all the reasons why we do.

laurie said...

Thanks so much Mo. And you will have a wonderful BlogHer experience. Please write all about it. xo

Eileen said...

I am very, very proud of you, brave girl!!

laurie said...

Thanks Eileen. xoxo