I always think it's going to be different.
I say to myself, "This round of treatment, I will exercise and write and continue with my daily routine and see if that makes me feel better."
And thent, in the days that follow each dose of vinorelbine and Herceptin, I stay in bed too sick to do anything and lacking the self-discipline (motivation?) to try getting exercise, writing or going about my daily routine.
I don't even bother to eat well (although the soup I made the night before chemo was delicious and easy to heat up, so I did eat lots of that) or even do the easy things that might help (I was on the phone with my writing buddy and she asked if I'd been drinking hot water with lemon and ginger. Easy to prepare and she swears by it, yet I had completely forgotten).
I don't even drink enough water.
I just wait until the weekend when I know I'll feel better (unless I get sick, as I did yesterday and had to miss dinner with friends and my beloved book club).
I'm fed up.
Fed up with losing a week out of every month.
Fed up with having to constantly worry about my energy levels and not overdoing.
Fed up with not having answers and having to worry.
Sometimes I amuse myself (and no one else) by announcing, "I'm done. That's it!"
But I don't really mean it.
I know where I'd be if it weren't for all the chemo and the Herceptin. And I know that it's worth it.
And who knows? Maybe next time will be different.
9 comments:
I think you have every right not to be productive and motivated during that one week each month. Maybe the best thing you can do for yourself is rest. Your body is very busy recuperating and building itself back up - it doesn't need to be out running!
I hope you're feeling better soon.
You are not being whiny. You are frustrated and I don't think anyone would fault you for being frustrated under the circumstances.
Would having a supply of pre-cooked meals in the fridge/freezer help you at all? I could come over and we could have a cooking party before your next round.
I firmly believe that sometimes whining is just fine and maybe even essential! I am presently undergoing chemo and I, too, have done my share of whining. Hope you can visit my blog when you feel better.
I quit my chemo every day! How come I keep going back...???
Beaming you vibes for good health, happiness and big buckets of patience for your beautiful, strong, resilient, creative self.
Hang on in there........Ax
I think you are amazing. You should allow yourself to feel however you do feel. I remember my fourth FEC treatment was the pits and I sunk into a little depression of sorts and said "I quit". But I went back for 5 and 6. BUT! I only had to do 6 rounds and then it was over! So do whatever you like - whine, scream, run or jump. It's all good because you're still here.
I can so relate to your post having been there myself many many times and have come to the conclusion it's just as important to be okay with those 'fed-up' days as it is with the good days. The frustration, the sadness and the anger are side effects they don't mention in the handouts.
Hoping that you feeling stronger soon.
We just keep putting one foot in front of the other cuz that's the only option....
a big thank you to all you wise women. your words of support mean more to me than i can say. xo
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