Friday, June 04, 2010

well, hello there


Yikes!


It's been a while, hasn't it?

I seem to have lost my blogging mojo. I remember a while back when Average Jane wrote that her blogging had been derailed (my word, not hers) by Twitter and Facebook. I get that now.

Whenever I have a quick observation or a link to share, I can gratify myself instantly with Twitter (I'm lauriek, by the way). And while each tweet does go to Facebook and the sidebar of Not Just About Cancer (on the right - see it there?), it hasn't done much for my blogging.

I don't want to give up the blog though, so I'll try and re-commit to posting regularly (how's that for hedging my bets?).

On the cancer front, there is a little news. I loved having a break in April. That month also brought another clean CT scan. My oncologist continues to be happy with how things are going (or not going, really).

We talked a bit more with about the weirdness of being in ongoing treatment (with side effects that are cumulative, both physically and emotionally). He talked frankly (one of the things that I love about him) about how, in my case, he really has no idea what to do.

We don't know what would happen if I were to take a longer break from treatment or stop it altogether.

"You're a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma," he said, quoting Churchill.

He said that, theoretically, we could start our own clinical trial, where half the women stop treatment for three months and half continue as I've been doing.

"But then what do you say to the women in the first group, if the cancer comes back? 'Oops?' 'Im sorry?' " (I'm convinced that the man lies awake at night wondering about these things. His compassion is another thing I love about him).

He has a way of putting things into perspective for me.

I had planned on asking for another break in six months but he surprised me by suggesting I take a break in August (hooray!)

He also said that, some time in the future, he's not sure exactly when, he's going to feel ready for me to take a longer break. Meanwhile, I'll have fewer appointments with him and, unless I'm worried about something, I can call them in (another hooray!).

I am very pleased about all of this but I admit to also feeling a little blue. I'm still dealing with some of the "grey area" fallout. It's really hard to articulate (and I feel guilty for even complaining. Guilt would be a good subject for a whole other post).

Life is a funny thing. And it's really hard to plan even five years ahead, because you never know what's going to happen. I'm trying right now to return my focus to living in the moment, accepting what is and reminding myself to notice the good things.

9 comments:

Spruce Hill said...

Pretty great to be on a break! Whenever I get over whelmed by my diagnosis I think about you and how well you are doing. It really helps know how well you are doing! Keep it up Girl!

Andrea Ross said...

Welcome back, Laurie. I'm so glad you have a caring doctor who puts your wellbeing ahead of research objectives.

I think of you often, whether you blog or not, and send good vibes to you every single day.

laurie said...

Thanks so much to you both. Each of your messages warmed my heart. Quite literally.

Elana said...

Mysteries are a beautiful thing!

Judy said...

FANTASTIC news about the clean scan! Yahooski!!

Just out of curiosity, has he ever mentioned checking if you're cancer-free by using a test called the Circulating Tumor Cells test? It's by a company called Cell Search, and my oncologist now uses that instead of scans every 6 months (unless there's another reason for a scan).

I'm in no way casting aspersions on your oncologist. I don't know if I get that because I'm Stage IV Inflammatory Breast Cancer and not the "typical" breast cancer, or what.

laurie said...

Yes, that's true, Elana.

And Judy: Thanks for that info. I had never heard of the Circulating Tumor Cells Test. I wonder if it's not yet available in Canada. I'll ask my doc at the next appointment (and yay indeed for clean scans).

Dee said...

I agree - yay for clean scans! Very cool and I'm glad your doctor is so willing to entertain breaks for you. Maybe those longer breaks will be okay . . . and not result in a recurrence.

Living in the moment is a good strategy . . . I think what I've been told is that you can plan for the future, but not worry or stress about it - so make plans for five years, but stay flexible about things that may change that vision. If that makes sense.

Anyway, excellent news.

Also, I have been feeling somewhat similar about blogging - Facebook is so much more immediate (I can't quite get into Twitter just yet even though I have an account) - so I find I spend more time on it. It's good to see your posts, though, because I do wonder how you're doing when you don't blog - but don't feel guilty. I always assume you're busy enjoying your life when you're not blogging and that makes my heart glad for you!

laurie said...

Dee - it's always so great to hear from you. I love your wise and caring comments.

Christine said...

As you know, we share the same oncologist. My son was visiting from Europe during my last appointment and Dr G was so wonderful with him that I could have kissed him. (Did I mention that I have a 'platonic crush' on him?). Have been thinking about telling him how much I appreciate our relationship (I’ve heard stories of others that aren’t so great…) but need to find a way to do it without embarrassing either one of us. I wonder if he reads our blogs…???