Thursday, February 05, 2009

walloped, wallowing and whining


Chemo has knocked me on my ass.

I had treatment on Tuesday (Herceptin and vinorelbine). Yesterday, I felt a little green and a little sore but not too bad, really. Today, I am in rough shape.

My body hurts.

I feel really queasy.

My head feels like it's stuck in a vise.

I am so, so tired (and yes, I am staying in bed).

I have a couple of posts in draft form but I can't be coherent enough to make them blog-worthy today.

So - know any good jokes?

I'll be feeling better by Saturday.

15 comments:

A caring reader... said...

A joke from the shadows of lurkdome... (Hope you feel better soon!)

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

laurie said...

Thank you!!!

Dee said...

Laurie,
How about this one? It's one of the boob jokes I collected:

A man decided to buy a new bra for his wife, so he went to Victoria's Secret. When he arrived, the saleslady asked him if he needed help. He replied, "Well, I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

The saleslady said, "You're at the right place. We have lots of colors, sizes, materials, and brands to choose from."

He looked overwhelmed, so the saleslady said, "But really, we have three kinds of bras. Catholic Church bras, Salvation Army bras, and Baptist Church bras."

He said, "But what's the difference?"

She answered, "Catholic Church bras support the masses. Salvation Army bras pick up the fallen. And, Baptist Church bras make mountains out of molehills!"

Then, there's "Onions and Christmas Trees":

ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!"

That one is one of my favs!

Feel better!

MamaBunny said...

Eh, I can't think of a joke at the moment, but here's an oldie but goodie kidism from A. on 2005, when she was ~ 20 months:

(A. can’t say her name yet)
me: What’s [your] name?
A: Baby

(A. knows her dad's name)
me: What’s Papa’s name?
A: Papa

(A. makes a joke)
me: What’s Mommy’s name?
A: Bus

The Maven said...

I wish there was an easier way for you *hugs*

I have no jokes off the top of my head, but I did just blog about Valentine's Day, which I'm going to guarantee will at least make you giggle once or twice.

Feel better soon.

FlippyO said...

Damn, Michael Phelps isn't sharing?

I'm a terrible joke rememberer - I can't remember a whole joke, ever.

But, I can give you some of my favorite YouTube videos:

The wasted 7 year old after seeing the dentist - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs

An Engineer's Guide to Cats - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHXBL6bzAR4

The always amusing, laughing baby - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjXi6X-moxE

Chelsea Handler at a senior's home - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5t3PwKccOo

I hope you feel better soon.

FlippyO said...

I'm sorry, but I love Chelsea w/ the old people. Here's one more - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsT5zPJ2huE

FlippyO said...

Sorry, one more Chelsea. See, it's a warning, if you don't like Chelsea Handler (I like her tv shows, but not her books, go figure), you can avoid my links. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RFZdBnzmTk

Okay, I'll leave you alone now. :)

SPANA (Society for the Protection of Animals Abroad) said...

A bloke from Yorkshire goes to the jewellers:

He says, "Can tha mek a gold statue o' mi dog?".

"Aye, reckon a can," sez the jeweller. "Does tha want it eighteen carat?".

"Neigh," sez bloke, "I want it chewin' a bone."

SPANA (Society for the Protection of Animals Abroad) said...

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree
in the distance. As they get nearer they see its draped
with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.

"Hey Pepe", says the first man.

"Ees a bacon tree, we're saved!"

Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets.

"What happened?" shouts Pepe. With his last breath, his friend shouts "Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.

Ees a ham bush."

SPANA (Society for the Protection of Animals Abroad) said...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

SPANA (Society for the Protection of Animals Abroad) said...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

Connie said...

Brenda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike...he won't bother you.'

“But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!'

When the repairman arrived at Brenda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest,
meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid bird!'

To which the parrot replied:

'Get him Spike!'

nonlineargirl said...

Funny that everyone is coming up with bar jokes (that is where I am going too).

Guy comes into an empty bar, orders a drink. The bartender gets him the drink and a bowl of peanuts and wanders off.

As they guy takes his first sip, he hears "nice haircut!". He looks around but sees no one.

Then he hears, "and have you lost weight?" After a minute, he hears, "that shirt looks great on you!"

Freaked out, he calls the bartender over and says, "someone keeps talking to me, saying they like my haircut, have I lost weight, my shirt is nice. But I don't see anyone around, what is going on?"

"Oh" says the bartender. "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

Feel better soon.

Aftercancer said...

MY YEARLY EXAM


Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 7,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5 6'.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was
tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.


Hope you feel better soon