Saturday, September 02, 2006

sometimes it's hard

I'm a bit of a mess these days.

I've got quite a bad burn from radiation and have been afflicted with a fatigue that defies description (a bit dramatic that, no?).

So, it's not surprising, I guess that my emotions are all a little close to the surface. I was especially feeling it earlier in the week. Frustration, the effects of treatment, the time I've lost to cancer and ramifications of battling a life threatening illness...it all hit me with the force of a tidal wave.

I'm feeling quite a bit better now, though. I spent the week doing as little as I could. Resting, reading. I even had a friend come with me to radiation (this had been planned for a while but the timing could not have been better).

My spouse and the boys have gone away for the week end. Last night they saw Spamelot in Toronto. Today, S. and my spouse are taking part in the year's most highly anticipated event - a comic book convention. Before leaving, S. hugged me and said, "Don't die while we're gone."

I started to reprimand him and then realized that he wasn't joking. He asked me, "There isn't a chance, is there, that you could die before I come back?"

I reassured him that the cancer treatment was to make sure that all the cancer was out of my body. "And you know what, if it ever does come back, we'll treat it again."

"So does this mean that we don't have to worry for at least a year?"

"Yes," I answered.

He looked so relieved.

Sometimes, I hate how hard this is.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love how you deal with your "mess", as you struggle with your emotions you continue to support those around you...not only your precious little ones but those who are supposedly strong around you. try to draw that strength from us, when we have it, and as much as we have it, for whatever you need.

dd

Suzanne said...

It's wonderful that your son feels secure enough with you (and in your emotional strength) to voice his fears directly to you and give you the chance to deal with them. Right now it may not seem so, but it was a precious moment for your both. As a family you will come out of this even stronger.

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