Thursday, June 02, 2016

limbo and dreams (updated)

I am still in limbo. My head is healed and I feel more like myself, except for some odd symptoms (my jaw is still freezing shut intermittently for a minute or so. It's so annoying. And embarrassing. It's not really something I can hide and it happens at the most awkward times).

I had my surgery on May 9. Everything said to me leading up to that implied that moving ahead was urgent. And yet here we are. I have a lot of faith in my medical team but this time information is not forthcoming and it's making me crazy. I can't plan a thing and I would just like some kind of information. I know I haven't fallen through the cracks. I would just like someone to explain to me where things are at.

I like information. It makes me feel in control.

So don't ask me when I will be having treatment because I don't know.

On another note, I had some strange dreams last week.

I dreamed that the area in which I lived was being flooded and I had to rush back and get a few things before all was washed away. When I arrived at home, though, the rain stopped, the sun came out and there was a brilliant blue sky. I didn't have to leave after all.

In another dream, a small furry mammal was hit somehow and fell to the ground, dead. In my dream it was a "possum" but it looked more like a groundhog. The body lay in the same spot throughout the dream and I would check on it periodically to see if it was still there. The last time I looked before waking, the animal jumped to its feet and bolted up a tree. After several days of lying still, it wasn't dead at all.

Deconstruct that. No so hard.

Now let's get some news, so I can follow my dreams.

Update: I finally have dates. I don't start for a couple of weeks. I asked why and was told that my oncologist said that it's "not urgent". I asked if this was because of the decent MRI and the nurse said she thought so. After the first date in June, I will go in weekly for a few weeks and then I guess we will re-visit the schedule.

I feel mostly relieved because I can plan my life a little. I just wish I didn't have these annoying symptoms that remind me what's happening.


Lene Andersen said...

Good dreams. Prophetic, dammit.

Catherine said...

The symptoms are like taps on the shoulder, with someone whispering 'cancer' - no? If only we could pause all that and just enjoy the summer!

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