ambiguous ambivalent

I had abdominal and thoracic CT scans a couple of weeks ago. For the first time since July 2007, I was not simply told that all is clear.

But I wasn't given bad news either.

I was told over the phone that some of my lymph nodes look "suspicious" but as my oncologist conveyed via his nurse, "that could be anything."

I was just recovering from a bad cold when I was tested, so that could have inflamed by lymph nodes. The only thing to do right now is wait, go in to see my oncologist on October 10th and then - I don't know. Do another scan and see if there is any change?

I've been told not to worry, so I'm working on that and on patience.

Meanwhile, I have a brain MRI scheduled for next week. This is purely routine, as herceptin does not cross the brain blood barrier. I have been fretting about it because I did not enjoy my last one - it's so unbelievably LOUD! I'm bringing company, extra ear plugs and lorazepam.

I'll have the results for that on October 10th as well.

So I'll be sitting tight, keeping busy and focusing on the things over which I have some control.

Anyone want to sit and knit somewhere or come help me organize my house?

"Worry has an anxious and unfocused quality. It skitters subject to subject, fixating first on one thing, then on another. Like a noisy vaccuum cleaner, it's chief function is to distract us from what we are already afraid of." - Julia Cameron, Walking in this World.

flip side

I read enneagrams the way some folks read horoscopes (if you're into such things, I'm a textbook 1). . Here are two that have arrived in my inbox this week:

"If you become unhealthy, a negative feature of your personality is the tendancy to become bitter, harsh and inflexible. Watch yourself for this today."

"Remember your outstanding healthy qualities include caring deeply about the dignity of your fellow humans and maintaining strong personal convictions. Notice how you express these today."

My best. And my worst. Summarized very neatly.

i can relate.

time passes

My kids went back to school today. My oldest is now 14 and in high school. My baby is in Grade 4. They were 2 and 7 when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and 3 and 8 when it became metastatic. They were 4 and 9 when I went into remission. Now, five years later, I look at these beautiful boys - scanning them for the scars, anxieties and challenges that are the fallout of living with a mother with a life threatening illness.

The signs are there but they are strong. We all have good days and bad but they are resillient. They are bright, talented, creative, insightful, empathetic individuals. And they are very, very brave.

I love my boys and I'm so proud of them.