what i would miss

I just did an interesting writing prompt from Old Friend From Far Away by Natalie Goldberg:

"Tell me what you will miss when you die."

The instructions were to write for ten minutes without censoring yourself. Here's what I wrote:

My kids

My spouse

My family

My friends

My dog

Beautiful fall days

Walks along the canal with my dog

Getting lost in a book

Taking a nap on a cold afternoon

Knitting with friends

The feeling of euphoria when I write something good

Music

Good food

Laughing

Wondering at art

A hot bath after exercise

Physical intimacy (all kinds)

The happy feeling when I unexpectedly run into someone I like

Learning new things

Aha! moments

Seeing people do good things

Being proud of my children

Noisy gatherings around my dining room table

Doing fun things for the first time

Doing familiar things that make me happy

Connecting creatively or intellectually

Making new friends

Having old friends and family members who 'get' me

Scrabble

Fresh starts

Clean sheets

Small kindnesses

Spectacular acts of bravery

Feeling proud of myself

The way the pavement smells after a summer rain

The possibility of tomorrow

What about you?

serendipitous cycle

I feel like a little kid again.

On August 15, I won a bike.

I was at the Ottawa Folk Festival and I bought three raffle tickets for five dollars. I told several people that I planned to win the third prize - a Kona Africabike 3, donated by McCrank's Cycles.

And then I did!

And here's the interesting part. I really, really wanted a new bike. I've been riding the same diamond frame (commonly called a men's bike) hybrid for almost twenty years. It's probably the wrong size for me and had started causing me neck and shoulder pain when I rode for more than a few minutes.

Over the summer, I test rode at least a dozen bicycles from four different bike shops. I came close to buying three times but each time, something held me back.

Our finances are really tight right now and I would have to commit to any bike I bought for a long time. And although several bikes I tried seemed fine, I didn't really love any of them. I had begun to think that I was just being too picky. I had pretty much resigned myself to spending a bit of money to fix up my old bike when the week end of the Folk Festival came around.

And then I won a bike that was nothing like any of the bikes I'd test ridden. And I love it.

With it's heavy frame (42lbs!) and big tires, it feels solid and safe to ride. I love how the coaster brakes (the kind where you stop by pedalling backwards) allow me to slow down gradually (there's a hand brake that helps me to stop quickly when I need to). I really only ever used seven speeds on my old bike, so I haven't really minded that my new bike has only three. The step-through frame means I can wear whatever I want to go cycling (and means that I have fewer excuses not to ride). And the "sit up and beg" style of riding means no pain and whole new way of taking in the world.

It's so much fun to ride! As I did all those test rides this summer, I kept waiting to fall in love and it just didn't happen. It turns out that the bike I needed was one I had been refusing to even consider (and that some of the features I had rejected are the ones I love the best).

For the first few days after I brought my bike home I'd sneak out to the garage just to admire it. I've even named it Steel Horse (because it's such a beast and after the song "I Am An Excellent Steel Horse" by Rock Plaza Central, a band I heard for the first time at this year's folk festival).

I've noticed that people smile at me when I ride my bike. I think it's because I'm grinning like an idiot.



When I was seven years old, I had a red bike with a yellow banana seat. That was my first bike and I've never loved another bike as much. Until now.

For every two Africabikes that are purchased, Kona donates one to it's Basic Needs program in Africa (these bikes were designed to be virtually maintenance free and to be easily ridden on the most rugged of roads). These bikes have been used to help health care workers to deliver HIV/AIDS drugs and to enable girls to travel longer distances to get to school.

If you live near Ottawa and are thinking of getting an Africabike (or any Kona bicycle) for yourself, please go to McCrank's Cycles. Peter Conway is a really good guy (and very generous!), who provides great bike service. He deserves your support.

ottawa october

All photos: K. Bruin

In October, I live in the most beautiful place in the world.

On, Thanksgiving week end (two weeks ago for those of you reading outside of Canada), my family was so fortunate to have a wonderful guest. My friend K. and I have been friends since we were 17 years old. We met as new room-mates in Room 1 of McLaughlin House at Lester B. Pearson College of the Pacific. She was there representing the Netherlands and I hailed from Hawkesbury, Ontario.

We became friends pretty much instantly, through struggles with friendships, school and heartbreak and whole lot of fun. We travelled to Vancouver together and she once took me out on a sail boat into the bay so I could engage in a little primal screaming.

In my second year, after she'd graduated, I missed her terribly. We've been lucky though. Work has brought her to Canada three times in the last five years and we've been able to spend time together. My family has fallen in love with her. And I can't wait until next year, when she comes back.

When we were at school together, we lived in a very beautiful place and I know that K. loves this country almost as much as I do. But until this year, she'd never seen Eastern Ontario on a beautiful fall day.

This year, we had a chance to rectify that and we took advantage of the long week end and the glorious fall weather to go for a walk in Gatineau Park. K. was the only one of us who took photos on our outing and she's given me permission to share them with you. My only regret? There are no photos of the two of us together. We'll have to rectify that next year.

omg

making the best of it

I think I've coped with chemo week much better this time around (thanks in part to some good advice from a friend).

"body, mind, spirit" a national conference for younger women affected by breast cancer

From the Canadian Breast Cancer Network:

Please circulate this to your network members, friends and family, we would love to see them there!

OTTAWA, Oct 1 /CNW/ - Today, October 1, is the start of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and the Canadian Breast Cancer Network and co-presenter Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation will recognize the month with a unique networking event for 400 young women with breast cancer.

The National Conference, called "Body, Mind, Spirit", will offer young women with breast cancer the opportunity to network with others who understand their situation, find out about the latest research directly from some of Canada's bright young researchers, and follow theme sessions on issues everyone with breast cancer is confronted with.

Young women will have the chance to be supported in all aspects of their cancer journey. Theme sessions for the body include healthy living and prevention; for the mind, sessions on chemo brain, self-advocacy, medical research and the latest about breast cancer; for the spirit will touch on everything from Yoga sessions to a chance for a guided walk in a specially constructed Labyrinth for spiritual centering.

Participants can look forward to frank discussion and to be able to question experts about babies after breast cancer, breast reconstruction, what to tell your children about breast cancer and when, and intimacy and sexuality after breast cancer.

A writing workshop and a creative art session will aid self-expression, and book signings and a breast-cancer related art show will give participants a chance to create art, meet authors and to view theme art by people from all over Canada affected by breast cancer. Poster presentations will cover all that is new from breast cancer resources to community support groups. Author and breast cancer husband Mark Silver will interest many with his experiences and encouragement. .

The conference will feature two gala evenings; a "Dinner and a Movie" night presented by Rethink Breast Cancer, a special glimpse of their upcoming BreastFest with Jonna's Body, Please Hold and an appearance by filmmaker and comedian, Jonna who will present her Girl Manifesto - an uproarious look at our kooky notions of body image, defying the Image Police and freeing your inner renegade. Movie night food at a picnic in the park will feature everyone's favorite treats.

The second Gala will feature an Arabian Night with belly dancing, hand kohl painting, a blaze of color, special décor and treats for everyone present, a banquet as only the Hilton Hotel can produce, and special guest Rock Star Bif Naked who will share her breast cancer journey with her story "Rock Your Cancer".

Canada's own beacon of hope Carole Ann Cole, originator of the Comfort Heart symbol worn by hundreds of thousands, will be one of the speakers at an upbeat closing ceremony.

"Body, Mind, Spirit" takes place in Toronto, October 29-31. No registrations will be available on site for this conference, which is expected to sell out to 400 participants. A special hotel conference rate of $129 per night at the downtown Toronto Hilton will only apply to a block of rooms being held until October 8.

Registration is now open through www.cbcn.ca

I attended the first conference organized by the CBCN in 2007. It was an amazing experience. I'll be attending again this November (I am the fortunate recipient of a scholarship). Will you join me?

letter of the day

Yesterday, CBC Radio's Q featured an interview with Samantha King, author of Pink Ribbons Inc.

At the end of the interview, listeners asked the following questions (they were also posted to the Q blog): What are your impressions of cancer fundraising and awareness efforts? Are they working? Do you find any aspect of them troubling?

My sister-in-law, B. alerted me to the interview (she listens on the east coast schedule) and encouraged me to write a letter in response. This morning, a slightly edited version of this letter was read on the air (I was the "Letter of the Day"):

In January 2006, when I was 38 years old an the mother of two young children, I was diagnosed with very aggressive breast cancer. I underwent a brutal treatment regimen only to learn in November of that same year that the cancer had spread to my liver. I was told that I had “years, not decades” to live.

I resumed treatment and, this time, my response was immediate and dramatic – by June 2007, there was no longer any sign of cancer in my body. As I write this, I am still in remission. I'm also still in treatment, as we don't know enough about what happens when metastatic breast cancer disappears to make an informed decision about stopping.

I know without a doubt that I am alive today because of the kind of cutting edge research funded by breast cancer organizations. I also know that thousands of women who've been through breast cancer live better lives because of the kind of advocacy and outreach work that is undertaken by non-profit organizations.

But I do cringe, seethe and yes, even rant every time October comes around and we are deluged with pink products from fried chicken to face cream to key chains.

In theory, I'm not opposed to corporate sponsorship. But in the same way that I think cigarette companies should not be permitted to sponsor children's festivals, I'm offended when companies that sell products that are unhealthy, bad for the environment and laden with carcinogens jump on the “pinxploitation” bandwagon. At best, these campaigns do little to eradicate breast cancer and worst, they are a cynical attempt to grab some good PR and increase profit margins at the expense of anyone who's life has been affected by cancer.

Don't get me wrong. I don't judge anyone who's drawn to all the pink stuff. I own a lovely pink cowboy hat. I would just ask folks to think before they get swept up in the “Pinktober” frenzy. Put that pink soup back on the shelf. Step away from the pink sweater with the pink ribbon buttons (for so many reasons). Unless you really want the pink sunglasses, save your money. Most companies only give a tiny percentage of sales to breast cancer research. Why not make a donation instead to an organization that is demonstrably contributing to research, advocacy and especially prevention of all cancers? Then you'll know that you really are making a difference.

All the letters that the host, Jian Ghomeshi, read were on this subject and all of them opposed pinkwashing. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a deluge of letters taking an opposing opinion but it's good to see that more of us are speaking out on this issue that has driven me wild since my own diagnosis of breast cancer.

Cross-posted to Mothers With Cancer.

i ran for the cure

photo: Ian Hendel

With my sister.

At the finish line.

Wearing my Songbird scarf.

And my hat from Texas.

Team NO PINK FOR PROFIT was 43 members strong. We raised a whopping $25,000.

Sometimes life is very sweet.

happy october

a wild and crazy goal

I have been overwhelmed and touched by all the donations I've collected for the Run for the Cure.

Our team, No Pink for Profit, has more than thirty members.

I'm - ahem - tickled pink.

I've raised $1,558.00, way more than I'd anticipated. And maybe all this generosity and enthusiasm have made me delirious but I've begun to wonder, "what if I could make it an even $2000.00?"

What do you think? Is it possible? Want to help?

chronically whiny

I always think it's going to be different.

I say to myself, "This round of treatment, I will exercise and write and continue with my daily routine and see if that makes me feel better."

And thent, in the days that follow each dose of vinorelbine and Herceptin, I stay in bed too sick to do anything and lacking the self-discipline (motivation?) to try getting exercise, writing or going about my daily routine.

I don't even bother to eat well (although the soup I made the night before chemo was delicious and easy to heat up, so I did eat lots of that) or even do the easy things that might help (I was on the phone with my writing buddy and she asked if I'd been drinking hot water with lemon and ginger. Easy to prepare and she swears by it, yet I had completely forgotten).

I don't even drink enough water.

I just wait until the weekend when I know I'll feel better (unless I get sick, as I did yesterday and had to miss dinner with friends and my beloved book club).

I'm fed up.

Fed up with losing a week out of every month.

Fed up with having to constantly worry about my energy levels and not overdoing.

Fed up with not  having answers and having to worry.

Sometimes I amuse myself (and no one else) by announcing, "I'm done. That's it!"

But I don't really mean it. 

I know where I'd be if it weren't for all the chemo and the Herceptin. And I know that it's worth it.

And who knows? Maybe next time will be different.

a light has gone out

I just learned the very sad news that Christine Lynds passed away last Friday.

Chris was a strong, smart woman, who inspired and gave hope to so many people who's lived had been affected by cancer. We shared an oncologist and I appreciated her outlook towards living with advanced breast cancer.

I was also more than a little in awe of her. She was active and fit and a true community activist. The first time I met Christine in person, she had brought a posse of women who'd lived through breast cancer to my book launch. The second time I met her, she came to collect a prosthetic breast that I no longer wore so that it could find a new home with a friend of hers. We sat and drank coffee on my couch and talked about our boys and our dogs.

I know that she loved to organize people and projects and that she had many loyal friends to whom she was very committed. And I know that there are legions of people by whom she will be sorely missed.

Christine's blog was called "The Edge of Light." The world is a little darker without her in it.

women who care

A wonderful book was published this week. Women Who Care features stories of women's health care experiences - as providers and as patients. The book was the brain-child of Dr. Nili Kaplan Myrth:

In her third year of medical training - discouraged by how little focus there was on caring - a young woman was faced with a decision: she could throw her hands up and quit or she could risk speaking up and work toward change. She decided to send out a call asking women to share their experiences with health care and caring. Her e-mail inbox immediately overflowed with stories from women across Canada Together, this amazing group of women wrote Women Who Care.

The book was published by Pottersfield Press. I'm proud to say that an essay I've written has been included. It's called "Patient Personified" and it's about how the politics of health care have become intensely personal since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

You can order the book through the publisher or your local bookseller (Octopus Books is carrying it in Ottawa). The books author's will be donating any royalties to the Women's College Hospital Foundation.

my fundraising pitch: run for the cure

Dear Friends and Family,

This year, I am running/walking in the Run for the Cure in support of the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation and I'm writing to ask if you'd be willing to make a donation.

As you know, this is an issue that is very personal for me. In November 2006, when I was told that my breast cancer had spread to my liver, I knew no one who had survived this kind of diagnosis. Even my oncologist reluctantly told me that I had “years not decades” to live.

But my response to treatment was immediate and dramatic – by June 2007, there was no longer any sign of cancer in my body. As I write this, I am still in remission. I'm also still in treatment, as we don't know enough about what happens when metastatic breast cancer disappears to make an informed decision about stopping.

There is no question in my mind that I am alive today because of the kind of cutting edge research that is funded by the Run for the Cure and the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation (CBCF).

In November 2007, I attended a conference that was funded my the CBCF for younger women affected by breast cancer. In one of the plenary sessions, I stood up and asked how many women attending the conference were also living with metastasis.

There were dozens of us. For the very first time I internalized the idea that having stage four breast cancer need not be a death sentence. It's not an overstatement to say that moment changed my life.

I support the Run for the Cure because I don't want any woman with breast cancer to feel alone.

I support the Run so that more of us with stage four can go into remission and even walk away from treatment with confidence.

I support the Run so that no woman need ever fear breast cancer again.

And I'm running with Team No Pink for Profit because I hate the corporatization of breast cancer. Our team name makes me feel a little bit subversive. I'm so proud to be the captain of this team comprised more than 30 women and we're the top fundraisers for our region. It gives me great pleasure to see our team name scrolling on the front page of the regional web site.

Can you help by making a donation? Any amount would be appreciated.

You can click on this link to learn more about me and make a donation: http://www.runforthecure.com/site/TR/RunfortheCure/Ontario?px=1268119&pg=personal&fr_id=1101

Thanks so much!

Laurie

more soup

Starring (in order of appearance): olive oil, onions, garlic, garam masala, chipotle powder, water, vegetable stock, brown lentils, tomatoes, yu choy sum (Chinese greens), lemon juice, ground coriander. Served with a dollop of yogurt.

Loosely based on a Lebanese lentil soup recipe from the Toronto Star. I was out of cumin so substituted the garam masala. Ditto on the chipotle powder instead of cayenne. Soup is spicy but very, very good (if I do say so myself).

just another conversation

I've started to record bits of conversation that occur at our house. This one took place yesterday morning betweem my spouse and me.

T.: "Can you send a Facebook message to someone who's not your Friend on Facebook?"

Me: "You can. I get emails all the time from strange men saying they can't live without me."

T.: "You do?"

Me: "Yes, sometimes they say they saw my photo and that they can't stop thinking about me."

T.: "Wow."

Me: "I especially wonder about those because my profile photo is of the dog."

(Conversation interrupted by laughter)

Me: "I think they might be spam."

T.: "In those cases, I hope they are, because the alternative is disturbing."

down-time at the ottawa folk festival

My spouse and youngest son and I went to the Ottawa Folk Festival this past week end. I love these shots T. took of D. and I chilling out between the afternoon and evening programming.






I didn't have any pockets, so I resorted to an old habit of sticking my cable needle in my cleavage. Except, I don't really have cleavage any more. The pointy cable needle kept falling over and I had to keep reaching into my bra to fish it out.

This amused me.

The scarf I'm making has one asymmetrical cable.

This amuses me, too.

43 things (part four)

32. I can organize ideas, a campaign or a project but I can't organize my house or even a room to save my life.

33. If I become interested in something, it can easily turn into an obsession. At least for a little while.

34. I'm trying to ride my bike as much as possible. I think I'm becoming addicted (see above).

35. I'm always a little surprised to discover that someone likes me.

36. I didn't think Facebook birthday wishes were a big deal until it was my birthday. I loved getting messages from all over the world and from people from all parts of my life.

37. I have already passed my minimum goal of raising $150 for the Run for the Cure. I dream of wildly exceeding that.

38. Two of my favourite childhood memories are of a family cross-country ski trip and going sailing on my uncle's boat. I don't particularly want to do these things now but I felt happy doing them then.

39. I like the idea of creating fun memories for my kids. I wonder if they will hold close the memories of our trips to Florida and our week end at Blue Skies when they are adults.

40. When I was six years old, a man in a raincoat flashed me. I was passing through the parking lot of the Catholic Church, on my way to school.

41. When I'm depressed, I feel invisible.

42. I'm making good progress in my quest to lose 44lbs before I turn 44 (on August 4th, 2011). I lost three pounds in the first week. I know it's going to slow down from here on in but I'm feeling encouraged. And determined. And you're going to be reading a lot about it here and on Twitter/Facebook because I want to stay accountable.

43. I think it's really cool that I'm planning for a year from now.

44 (bonus thing). I really do think that the red Smarties taste best.

soup

Starring (in order of appearance): onions, garlic, tumeric, ginger, coriander, cumin, chipotle powder, cabbage, carrots, sweet potatoes, salt.

at the aquarium

All photos taken last month at the Mote Marine Laboratory in Sarasota, Florida.