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living large

Chemo typically turns me into a horned, fanged, clawed she-devil for at least one day following treatment. Today is that day.

My head knows the mood will pass but boy am I pissy.

But I'm trying to re-commit to having something vaguely resembling content on this blog, so I thought I'd share a couple of shots taken in a parking lot outside a Sonny's restaurant in South Florida (we'd had lunch that day at my first ever Waffle House. We were on a greasy streak).



We had just come back from a day at Corkscrew Swamp and filled up on ribs and other good fried things and I think I was a little giddy.

Anyway, this car just called to me and I made the boys take photos.

watch me wave my hands around a lot

As promised, here is a direct link to the Connected segment on cancer blogging:

http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/News/TV_Shows/Connect_with_Mark_Kelley/ID=1549366307

watch me on tee vee!

Or catch it online.

I'm being featured in a story on cancer blogging on CBC News Network (formerly Newsworld). Tune in this evening, between 8:00 - 9:00 p.m. ET

You can also watch online at cbc.ca/connect (I'll post a direct link to the video once the show has aired).

I promise to blog more about the whole experience (I was interviewed at home with my family and in the chemo room) but I wanted to give all a chance to check it out..

If you watch the show, let me know what you think.

airport vista 2

airport vista

flying by the seats of our pants

In a couple of days, my little family is heading to Florida.

We'd been planning our road trip for some time. The decision to drive was partly about affordability but we also enjoy watching the scenery change and interacting with folks in the different states through which we pass.

This time, we were planning on doing the trip a little more slowly in order to take in more than the outskirts of cities along the way. We'd been thinking of taking a detour to Gettysburg on our way down and visiting Savannah on our way back (we have twice stayed in chain motels on the outskirts without going into the city. This notion breaks my heart).

The trip is long though (24 hours of driving) and exhausting (especially for T., who does all the driving) and while we have many great memories of our family road trips the whole thing can be a bit of a grind.

Last year, we had a great drive to PEI. The return trip was a different story. Before the keys had turned in the ignition, the boys were screaming at each other. While there were brief truces along the way (and I spent a fair bit of time in the back seat, so as to separate the siblings), I lost count of the number of times we had to pull over until calm could be restored.

The boys are both a year older now, so we were feeling optimistic.

But I couldn't help doing a little online search for cheap flights. And, after playing around for a while (it was rather like playing a game of Scrabble, or piecing together a puzzle), I was able to find a way for us to fly that was no more expensive than driving (it involved two of us flying on points and two of us going on cheap tickets but while we aren't flying together, we are, miraculously leaving and arriving at close to the same time).

We called a family meeting to discuss the pros and cons.

We were pretty evenly divided as to what we should do. There were lots of good arguments on both sides.

And then the boys started to bicker about whose fault it was that they'd fought so much on last year's road trip.

T. and I looked at each other over their heads and made our decision.

We're flying.

But I'll miss the corn bread at Cracker Barrel, the biscuits at Pop Eye and the road-side barbecue in the Carolinas and Georgia.

Maybe we'll go on a mini road trip while we're in Florida.

"family personalities illustrated"

ok

I want to let you all know (those of you who have been asking, wondering or worrying) that the reason I've not blogged since Friday is that I've been incredibly busy and that I haven't fallen completely apart.

I'm still feeling incredibly sad but there have also been some unbelievably beautiful moments in the last few days and those have kept me going.

I'll try and find some time to blog tomorrow afternoon but I wanted to take a moment tonight to say thanks to each one of you who have offered your love, support and understanding.

We're keeping J-Dog as comfortable as we can for as long as we can and I am spoiling him rotten (lots of treats, feeding him from the table, wet food and lots of cuddles).

Goodnight blogosphere. Thank you for reminding me why I love you so much.

10 in june part two: writing through heartbreak

June is a very busy month. The end of the academic year means that there are meetings, plays and endless school-related events (most are fun but they do keep me busy). Also, I've been very distracted because J-Dog (known to us as Jasper Friendly Bear) is very sick.

We are waiting on the biopsy results of tissue taken from several large tumours in his mouth. Honestly, it doesn't look good. Even if the tumours are benign, which is highly unlikely, the surgery to remove the growths would be dangerous and painful (not the mention the fact that having half his upper jaw removed would leave him with a dubious quality of life). Leaving them where they are is out of the question because they are making him very uncomfortable and affecting both his breathing and his ability to swallow.

We love this dog a lot. He's a very sweet old soul, who was born with tremendous dignity, intelligence and loyalty. I can't bear the thought of losing him but I can't stop thinking about it.

And you can imagine that this family would find all of this especially traumatic. As a wise and dear friend said to me, "You have to make sure the kids understand that he's not you." And even as we all understand that, this is all rubbing salt into some wounds that may never fully heal.

This was meant to be a post about writing, though - something I am reminded means more to me than an obligation or an item on a 'to do' list - so let me get back to that now.

Here are my goals for the month (taking up the numbering from where I left off in my last post):

5. Write for ninety minutes, four times a week (or 300 minutes per week). Given how busy I knew I'd be, I thought I'd set a more realistic goal (I'm already behind but not iredeemably so).

6. Write the speech for the Weekend to End Women's Cancers fundraiser (I don't have much of a choice about this one because I'm delivering it on Monday. I've got some detailed notes but a fair bit more work to do. Did I mention that I'm delivering it - at least in part - in French?).

7. Write a first draft of a short story (I've had this idea about Elvis and my home town for a while now).

I'm also going to continue to re-read and edit my draft novel but I'm not going to write that one down as a goal, since it's an ongoing process and I'm on track, thanks to my writing buddy and our regular exchanges and phone meetings.

It felt good to write all of that - about the fear and the grief but also about the goals I have set for myself. Writing gives me hope and a sense of purpose. When I do it well, it gives me confidence.

It's also very therapeutic.

Update: The vet called this evening. It's cancer. We have some choices to make but none will be easy. 

10 in june part one: health

The last month has been challenging, as far as my health is concerned. There is nothing seriously wrong with me and as far as the cancer is concerned, I'm in fine shape. Instead, I've been dealing with some unpleasant and uncomfortable digestive issues. Whether this is due to my age or the toll of long term systemic cancer treatment, I don't know. I just know that, by the time I went to see my doctor, I was feeling prettty miserable.

I suspected my gall bladder was the source of the problem but we had the benefit of a recent abdominal CT scan that showed that organ to be fine. My doctor diagnosed me with Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (or GERD) and instructed me to stop consuming coffee, tea, chocolate or coffee (my immediate response was the somewhat ironic, "I'll die!" She also gave me some medicine. 

After a couple of weeks, I do feel very much better. I've only been eating tiny amounts of chocolate and I have had a couple of pints of beer (which didn't seem to bother me). What does turn my innards inside out is coffee, something I find to be fairly tragic. I'm now drinking a mug of Matcha green tea every morning and then, only occasionally having a single mug of half-decaf (and I am coming to accept that this needs to be a pretty occasional thing). 

I was feeling pretty bummed out about all of this (haven't I already been through enough?) until one day I was out walking the dogs and I got to thinking. What if I chose to look on this as an opportunity to clean up my diet?

I've also come to realize that fatty foods or eating anything too quickly can give me pain and heatburn. But I should be avoid junk food and mindless eating anyway, so that shouldn't seem like a bad thing.

When life gives you lemons, make lemon water (which also really helps with digestion and I like how it tastes).

Next visit to my doc, I'm going to risk being labelled a hypochondriac and ask to be tested for Celiac's disease (my sister has it, and although I've had the blood test, I know that it can result in false negatives) and also asked to be tested for a stomach bacteria called H. pylori (because a friend just tested positive and really I am a bit of a hypochondriac.

Keeping all those things under consideration, here is the part of my "Ten Things" to do list that addresses health:

1. Make soup twice. I've been having fun on this soup adventure. I've already made chicken soup this month. What surprised me though was that I took a recipe from my nutrionist and altered it significantly to make it more flavourful. On the heels of my made-up cabbage soup from last month, I am displaying a willingness to depart from recipes that I have never been brave enough to do. It pleases me enormously.

2. Do an average of sixty minutes of cardio five times a week (a total of 300 minutes a week). 

3. Start the Running Room beginner program and run/walk three times a week. I'm on track and on week two, which means I'm alternating one minute of walking with one minute of running for twenty minutes.

4. Follow the diet prescribed by my nutritionist, while cutting mysellf some slack (ie letting myself have a cookie or a piece of chocolate every day, eating exactly what I want once a week, cutting down on carbs and increasing fruit and especially low sugar veggies). If my approach isn't moderate, it's not sustainable.

I'm putting the strength training on hold in the hopes that July will be a little less busy and my gut will be healed enought that the thought of sit-ups doesn't make me puke (although I'm not sure if this is a real problem or just a dislike of sit-ups).

I'll save the rest of this month's goals for another post. What's on your to-do list for June?

speaking to end breast cancer

In 2004, I participated in the Weekend to End Breast Cancer in Toronto.

In 2006, several women participated in Ottawa in my name.

Next week, I'll be speaking at a fundraiser for the same event (now called the Weekend to End Women's Cancers) in Montreal.

Sylvie Grégoire, a two-time breast cancer survivor is organizing the fundraiser luncheon. She was first diagnosed at 38 (the same age that I was at my own diagnosis) and had a local recurrence four years later. She's now, in her words, "healthy and happy!'

This will be the sixth time that Sylvie takes part in this 60 km, two-day event. I am so impressed by this achievement and thrilled to be given the chance to help (I'm also more than a little nervous. I need to speak for around thirty minutes. The thought is a little daunting).

You can contribute as well by making a donation. This is the link to Sylvie's personal page on the Weekend to End Women's Cancers web site.

And, experienced speakers out there, how many words is a thirty minute speech? Mr. Google is offering conflicting advice.

a lapse in judgment

In the last couple of weeks, I have received two emails from Rethink Breast Cancer, an advocacy organization aimed at younger women. The messages urged me to by tickets for the Rethink Romp, a Toronto fundraiser and party.

I like a party as much the next girl and the idea of a superhero themed party made me smile. I love superheroes.

I eagerly clicked through to check out the "Shazamer", an interactive site where I could make my own superhero. At that point, the fun came to a screaming halt, as I read the words: "Show of your six packs and your great racks in support of Rethink Breast Cancer".

It's a great site, with some really cool interactive features but the model is built like Barbie and the "Superheroes" title bears the sub-head "with a great rack comes great responsibility."

The idea that a group of diverse, smart breast cancer advocates sat around a table and decided that this was a good idea is just inconceivable to me. Even more shocking is that this idea went from that table to a high profile, glossy campaign without someone shouting, "Hey wait a minute! Don't you all think this is a little insensitive?"

Yesterday, I sent Rethink this brief email:

Has no one complained to you about this?

A breast cancer organization talking about "great racks"? What if you only have half a rack or none at all? Can I still be a superhero if I'm not white [I did discover after I sent the note, that you can change the skin colour of the model, once you get inside the game but both the male and female superhero start as fair and light-haired] , with big boobs and able-bodied?

I love the idea and I love the spirit of fun and celebration to which you are clearly aspiring. I just don't understand how a group of breast cancer advocates sat down together and agreed that this is the best imagery and wording for this event.

So disappointed.

I haven't heard back yet. Rethink Breast Cancer has a great mandate and does good work. I love the spirit of fun they try and inject into their work. With this campaign, though, the organization has displayed a serious error in judgment.

super me
a one-breasted warrior
with really great boots
a rhea belle top
and some seriously funky accessories (thanks to Babz for that suggestion)
generous hips (the better to shoot from)
crows feet
and smile lines
honest
smart
strong
and always compassionate
but ready to kick ass
when she needs to.

may's ten things: how i did

Here's how I did with May's "To Do" list (still playing along with the List Lovers at BlogHer):

As with previous months, completed tasks are in blue, partially done tasks are in green and the tasks I didn't even started in purple.

1. Spend an average of eight hours writing a week (I didn't even come close but I did make some progress on the editing of the draft novel and I started meeting - and exchanging writing - with my awesome writing buddy so I'm going to give myself partial credit anyway).

2. Do strength training at least twice every week (I did it once all month but I've been suffering from some gastrointestinal issues that made strength training, especially ab work, less appealing. It's pretty lame but it's all I've got).

3. Do an average of five hours of cardio every week (Completed and exceeded this goal!).

4. Make soup twice (I made the sweet potato spinach one I mentioned in last month's post and another one that I made up with cabbage and Indian spices. This business of winging it is a new development for me and I'm very pleased).

5. Sort through my clothes (Carried over from February, March and April and still not done).

6. Finish making summer plans for my family. (It's very nearly done. I just need to book my youngest into a couple of weeks of day camp).

7. Go to at least one bike store and do some test rides.

 

8. Spend one afternoon every week doing something fun or relaxing.

9. Finish one knitting project.

10. Spend one afternoon per week just dealing with this to-do list.

So that's six things accomplished, two partially done (and one of those could almost be in the 'done' category) and two not yet finished.

I'm pleased with my progress but I'm also aware that two of the items that got short shrift (the clothes and the writing) are things I really wanted to do.

I'm organizing myself differently for June but I'll tell you about that in another post. 

well, hello there

Yikes!

It's been a while, hasn't it?

I seem to have lost my blogging mojo. I remember a while back when Average Jane wrote that her blogging had been derailed (my word, not hers) by Twitter and Facebook. I get that now.

Whenever I have a quick observation or a link to share, I can gratify myself instantly with Twitter (I'm lauriek, by the way). And while each tweet does go to Facebook and the sidebar of Not Just About Cancer (on the right - see it there?), it hasn't done much for my blogging.

I don't want to give up the blog though, so I'll try and re-commit to posting regularly (how's that for hedging my bets?).

On the cancer front, there is a little news. I loved having a break in April. That month also brought another clean CT scan. My oncologist continues to be happy with how things are going (or not going, really).

We talked a bit more with about the weirdness of being in ongoing treatment (with side effects that are cumulative, both physically and emotionally). He talked frankly (one of the things that I love about him) about how, in my case, he really has no idea what to do.

We don't know what would happen if I were to take a longer break from treatment or stop it altogether.

"You're a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma," he said, quoting Churchill.

He said that, theoretically, we could start our own clinical trial, where half the women stop treatment for three months and half continue as I've been doing.

"But then what do you say to the women in the first group, if the cancer comes back? 'Oops?' 'Im sorry?' " (I'm convinced that the man lies awake at night wondering about these things. His compassion is another thing I love about him).

He has a way of putting things into perspective for me.

I had planned on asking for another break in six months but he surprised me by suggesting I take a break in August (hooray!)

He also said that, some time in the future, he's not sure exactly when, he's going to feel ready for me to take a longer break. Meanwhile, I'll have fewer appointments with him and, unless I'm worried about something, I can call them in (another hooray!).

I am very pleased about all of this but I admit to also feeling a little blue. I'm still dealing with some of the "grey area" fallout. It's really hard to articulate (and I feel guilty for even complaining. Guilt would be a good subject for a whole other post).

Life is a funny thing. And it's really hard to plan even five years ahead, because you never know what's going to happen. I'm trying right now to return my focus to living in the moment, accepting what is and reminding myself to notice the good things.

of books and birthdays

It's my friend Sassymonkey's birthday today and she's asked us all to help with something.

She's written a post for BlogHer about a very special campaign. It's called "Books Make a Difference: Share a Book That Changed Your Life to Donate a Book to a Child in Need."

All you need to do is leave a comment on her post about a book that made a big impact on your life:

"BlogHer and BookRenter, a company that rents textbooks to college students, have joined forces because we know that books makes a difference.

From May 3-28, together we are working to make a difference in children's lives by generating new books for children who need them most -- via the nonprofit organization First Book.

Want to help? For every answer we receive in the comments to the following question, one book will be donated:

What book has had the greatest impact on your life?"

About her own life-long love of books, Sassymonkey shares the following:

"My older siblings helped teach me to read at a young age (probably so that I'd stop pestering them), and I simply never stopped. When I was a kid, I never had the latest video game or the trendy clothes, but I had a life full of literary riches. Books opened up a whole world of possibilities to me, ones I grabbed at with both hands. I strongly believe that it was because of the possibilities presented to me in these books that I can claim to be only the second person in my family to graduate from high school, and the first to obtain a university degree."

My own relationship to books was equally intense and I have tried to instill a love of books and reading in my own kids. I feel very strongly that every child should have access to a wide variety of books throughout their lives.

Here is my contribution to the comments (you don't have to be so long-winded. It's OK to just leave the title of a book that was important to you):

"I hope I'm not breaking any rules but I just can't narrow it down.

The Bobbsey Twins: I was given the first one when I was 6 or 7. I remember being disappointed that it didn't have any pictures but I tore through it. And after that every trip to the "big city" had to include a new one to add to my collection.

Pride and Prejudice: I read it for the first time when I was just 8 years old. I'd already burned my way through most of the kids' books in my local library and had been awarded an adult's library card. I'm not sure why I picked it up or what I got out of it but I loved it - and I've read it many times since (and drooled over the inappropriately shirtless Colin Firth in the BBC mini-series).

Steinbeck: I think I started with the Grapes of Wrath (for a Grade 7 book report. I was a nerd) but I also loved Of Mice And Men and The Winter of Our Discontent (but not The Red Pony - it was ruined for me by being an assigned book in a high school English class). His writing was so beautiful and his stories were so compelling - I remember his characters to this day. And he taught me about the beauty of sad or ambivalent endings.

Sigh. I love books."

Please go on over to BlogHer and add your favourite book to the list. I'd love to hear about it, so do let me know (over at BlogHer or via the comments here) whether I persuaded you to contribute.

And is there anything better than the smell of a new book?

dream analysis

I had a very vivid dream last night. I had a arrived at a big hall full of people and remembered that I was there to give a speech. Then, as I approached the podium, I realized that I was completely unprepared - I had forgotten to prepare anything to say.

My stomach dropped down to my toes.

Now I have never, as far as I can recollect, forgotten to prepare for a speech or presentation. And while I am speaking at a fundraiser in Montreal in June and I am a bit nervous, I'm not really concerned that I won't be ready (not yet, anyway).

Life has been full of challenges lately and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. Some of these have been expected and others have come at me from out of the blue (or at least that's how it's felt). And I have definitely been feeling ill-equipped to respond.

When I was a little girl, I had to play dodgeball at every recess in Grades 4 and 5. Our teachers thought it kept us out of trouble but I just remember every recess as a misery. My stress levels would be very high as the balls came at me. I'd dodge a few, catch the odd one (mostly out of sheer luck) and get walloped hard, at least once in every fifteen minute game. Getting hit didn't hurt that badly (I was more stunned and winded than actually injured) but I always welcomed the moment that the bell would ring and I could return to the safety of the classroom.

Life (I'm sure you see where I'm going with this) has been a little like playing dodgeball lately. My skills have improved but I still don't enjoy playing that particular game. I'd rather take a walk along the canal (or a nap would be good).

For the most part, things are fine around here. But I wouldn't complain if life were just a tiny bit less interesting.

just what i needed

I was feeling a little sad and frustrated this morning (no bad news and no crisis just some things that made me feel, well, sad and frustrated).

Then I saw this video that my friend H. posted to Facebook and I laughed, smiled and sang along. It made me feel hopeful, too.




Then, via this post on BlogHer, I discovered Regretsy.

Have you heard of Etsy? It's a great web site where crafters and artists of all kinds can sell their wares. I love Etsy and have spent many hours checking out its contents. I've also bought many wonderful things.

However, the vendors are not adjudicated. This means that goods posted to Etsy can be, a little uneven in quality - sometimes a little (or a lot weird) and sometimes just plain atrocious.

Regretsy brings together the best of the worst of these (the site's motto is "Where DYI meets WTF") and, combined with biting commentary, the results are hilarious. I lost myself on the site this morning, laughing until my sides hurt and tears streamed down my face.

Check the left sidebar for categories. I've only viewed a fraction of what they've put together but some of my favourites include the Bubble Scarf in Chocolate Brown, Watercolour Print Cat Art, this tree trunk thing that poops candy (I'm sorry, I'm unduly amused by the scatological), the bridal veil for dogs (mostly because of the commentary, which could have been written by my spouse) and especially the chicken poncho (that's a poncho for a chicken not a poncho with chickens on it and it helped me feel much better about my recent penchant for knitting dish cloths).

I'm embarassed to say how much time I've spent looking at this stuff today.

Time to go do something constructive.

My face hurts from laughing.

10 to do in May

For the last few months, I've been playing along with a group of folks over at BlogHer who've formed a group called "List Lovers Unite." I'm a sucker for "to do" lists and I've found the practice of making monthly to do lists to be rather compelling.

Sticking to the list, however, has yielded mixed results. Here's how I did with April's list (as with previous months, completed tasks are in blue, partially done tasks are in green and the tasks I didn't even started in purple):

1. Write a first draft of the short story I've been kicking around. (I wrote an outline)

2. Spend an average of eight hours writing per week. (Not even close)

3. Do strength training at least once a week and continue with the five hours of cardio per week. (I'm very pleased to have started the strength training, which I did, for at least a few minutes, five times in four weeks. I fell a couple of hours short with the cardio, though. I need to remind myself on rainy days that I'm not made of sugar).

4. Sort through my clothes (carried over from February and March). (I bought some clothes but my closet is still overflowing with stuff I can't or don't wear).

5.Make summer plans for my family. (we are going to Blue SkiesMusic Festival this year and have tentatively planned another couple of trips but I have yet to sit down with a calendar and nail it all down)

6. Brush my big (shedding) dog once a week and my smaller (non-shedding, tangling) dog every other day. (I brushed the big dog once and the little one twice. I did take Lucy to the groomer on Tuesday, though. She's been shorn now, so now I really only have ears and tail to brush for a while)

7. Update my Ravelry project page.

8. Finish another scarf.

9. Make soup twice. (the jambalaya in the slow cooker when I wrote last month's post was the only soup I made. It was a good one, though)

10. Get a hair cut. (Done. And I feel much better with shorter hair)

I did get something done that had been on my previous month's to do list. I bought a bathing suit. And then I wrote about it for BlogHer and even posted a photo of myself.

I'm still reeling from that one.

Around the middle of the month, I realized was feeling very grumpy. I figured out that I was unhappy because, while I wasn't necessarily getting anything done, I also wasn't having any fun. I had to remind myself that, as I'm the one attempting to give my life more structure, I'm also the one who needs to give myself permission to be flexible.

When I drew up my goals for this month, I decided to incorporate time to read, relax and be creative (a bit ironic, I know) and to set aside time to specifically attack this list.


Things to do in May:

1. Spend an average of eight hours writing a week (I'm already behind. Sigh. I have started to edit the first draft of my novel, though, so that's something).

2. Do strength training at least twice every week (Did it once last week, so I'm behind there too).

3. Do an average of five hours of cardio every week (On track. Yay!)

4. Make soup twice (I've already made and eaten a big batch of sweet potato, red lentil and spinach soup).

5. Sort through my clothes (carried over from February, March and April - but I really do want to get this done).

6. Finish making summer plans for my family.

7. Go to at least one bike store and do some test rides (That should be fun. Also, my bike has started to make some pretty scary noises when I pedal or change gears).

8. Spend one afternoon every week doing something fun or relaxing (Last week, I spent part of Mothers' Day finishing Water for Elephants, which I loved reading. This week, I'll spend Thursday afternoon either reading or knitting. I need to make the space in my life to do the things that restore my energy and my creativity).

9. Finish one knitting project (I made a bunch of dish clothes and a dish towel for a friend and gave them to her, so this one's done already).

10. Spend one afternoon per week just dealing with this to-do list (last week it was Wednesday and this week it will be Wednesday, too).

Anyone else out there still working on the monthly list? How's it working for you?

i know exactly what i was doing on may 10, 1998

My heart aches, I'm so proud of him.

Happy birthday, 12 year old.